Back to the Grind

Hey there, virtual (and I suppose, somewhere, real as well) people!

I'm back from by "buscation" and it is good to be home. It really is where the heart is. I often still refer to where I was born and raised to "home", but it isn't really. It is that super-familiar place where you know where the spoons, toilet paper, and junk food are, but still feel like a guest in some aspect.

My business part of my trip went by quickly enough, which helped! Got a lot done in the office and even saw an old dear friend and her family before telling everyone that would listen (and some who would have rather not listened) that I would only be reachable for emergencies and my business email could go fuck itself. It was a great decision!

I got in lots of baby holding time and got to see lots of family. The few friends I still have in and around where I grew up even took off work to see me, which made me feel really special and was great fun. I often have trouble feeling like I don't do enough or relax enough while I am there, or like I don't see enough people- which can make it hard to call it vacation. This time was harder than usual, I missed Broom a lot and really felt out of it although I had a good time.

The reason behind it was clear when I was back in the Schland and had some routine blood work scheduled for right when I got back. Turns out my thyroid is messed up again, which explains by low basal temperature, my anxiety, and generally being off. I've been on meds for hypothyroidism (not enough) for almost 2 years now and they upped my dosage for the baby making.

Now that it is off again, we have decided to wait to try again until it is OK. A hard, but good decision, although I wish I could say I dealt OK with it- but it felt like breaking. I have to reassure myself that it is OK to feel that way and fine to be so emotional about it, especially since my emotions are off right now and will be until my body absorbs the extra medicine which could take two weeks. With this and the lovely cold I brought back from the US of A, I am exhausted and practicing being patient with myself.

Nevertheless, it is good to be home and even better to have Broom to go through this stuff with. I just know she will get a job that isn't shite, and we will get pregnant; but both of those important life steps have their own time lines- and cannot be rushed.

A Short Break

Despite all of the "signs" and feelings I was having, and  my period being weird- my temperature tanked and all of the pregnancy tests I took were negative. I was pretty surprised but think that I handled it better than last time.

But, alas, I do know that two tries isn't that much, and look forward to another one in July.

Tomorrow I am flying to the states for a business trip after which I will be going to my hometown state for a few weeks. I am really looking forward to seeing all of my family. There are so many babies and pregnant woman abound that I hope that my emotions don't get the best of me. I find myself with the urge to walk through the baby department just to look at the little clothes. I keep telling myself that that is ok and that it will happen soon.

Enjoy your summertime wherever you are!

6 More Days!

Until we can test, that is ;)

Our 2nd insem went really, really well. The Dr. was super nice and gave us time for us to rest with my legs up, which certainly helps!

Since then, I've had some cramps and other prego symptoms, but it is so close to PMS symptoms that it is cruel. We will see, I guess! Today my temperature jumped, which is another great sign, but I am trying to remain hesitantly optimistic while reading everything I can get my hands on about this whole process..

Hopefully the next few days will go by quickly :)

More Fun with Waiting

I have tried to make things revolve less around the whole baby making stuff, and it works, but only off and on.

Today I had my follicles measured, so I am waiting to hear from the dr that does the insem about when I should come in. I am thinking it will probably be Saturday, but we will see.

Through meditation and trusting in my body, I hope to make the process easier on us and myself, but we will see what Mother Nature has in mind.

Another random German holiday on Monday, which means we will be able to relax, which is really nice. May has been really good for those, but I am thinking that since I had to leave earlier today for my dr and tax (ugh) appointment, that I will need to stay later tomorrow. But it is hard to be motivated to do relatively unimportant (at least to me, with consideration of what we are trying to do here) tasks while all my head will do is think about whether or not this is going to work this time and what I can do to help it along.

Here is to hoping that the dr calls before I have to go get my taxes done and that I get more money back than last year! :)

Centering

As you may have guessed, my lack of posting could really only mean one thing- either it worked and I am preoccupied with being pregnant, or it didn't and I am preoccupied with the fact that I am not.

I regret to say it is the latter, although I feel like Broom and I are dealing with it OK. However,  my body wasn't in a place to give me clear signals- either because it was affected by the hormones that I took to support the whole process, or because I might actually have been pregnant for a hot minute. It took a hospital visit to make me feel better, since I was cramping weirdly. But the doctor was considerate and gentle, and took our feelings and fears into consideration. What a change from the insemination itself!

I have been meditating on it (my new goal is to meditate 20 minutes a day) and know that my body truly knows what it is doing. I have also been visualising the whole process and apologizing/explaining to my body what the chemicals are for. After it works, I will do my best to let my body deal with whatever comes our way naturally, but for now, I do agree with why we are using them.  I am already on the hormones again, and the date that we will have to take our drive will be determined on Thursday after my local dr. measures my follicles. Most likely on Sunday or Monday we will have to make another trip. I am looking forward to using some techniques I have read about online to distract me from the two-week wait, as it easily causes me to obsess. In fact, since we will be doing 3 hCG shots, we will have to wait 3 days past the two-week time period to test, but hopefully it goes by fast.

Through the meditation, sewing, cooking, reading, movie watching, and exercise, I hope to make my work stress a little less and distract myself without stressing about stressing (sounds complicated, but trust me- it isn't).

So, virtual world, if you could spare a few positive thoughts in the general direction of my reproductive organs, then we would greatly appreciate it. I don't know how couples that do this for years deal, it is super hard, but I trust in my body, this process, our relationship, and the fact that the world does need another "homo baby" to two fully committed women who can't wait to love and raise a child.

As It Turns Out…

…I am really turning into Ms. Betty Crocker. Not only have I utterly and truly discovered my love for cooking- but I am actually good at it. Like not only do I follow recipes and make them great- but I can also look at ingredients and spices and make up dishes that are really good. It is like something clicked in my head and I decided to trust that part of my head that assigns tastes to colors and foods and intrinsically knows what will taste good together and how to make that happen. I can even make cream sauces from scratch, people. And I’ve started baking my own bread. We have gotten so used to  baking our own bread that Broom does it too (although I am admittedly partial to the recipe that I use, that I found using the interwebz- so don’t be afraid, I haven’t gotten so good to the point that I am making up my own bread recipes.

Being able to cook makes me feel great- especially since I haven’t always trusted myself in the kitchen like I do now. This is something that I have learned since my relationship with food has gotten better, something that has been developing since I met Broom, and it is wonderful to come home after a really long day and make something delicious and know it was ME. I had the idea, I threw it together. It was all under my control and there are even leftovers for lunch. Does it get any better?

It makes me feel extremely confident and capable and special to be able to make something that tastes good to Broom and I and I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to finding out what our future children will like the most out of everything that we cook.

To add fire to the flames of the Crockeryness (not a word, but let’s just pretend), I got a quite early birthday present of a sewing machine. It has been years since I used one with the Girl Scouts to make a duffel bag, but after the Mother in Law  showed me how it worked, I went straight to work and made a pillowcase to match our curtains (I know- our place just keeps getting more and more grown up- which feels odd sometimes). The pillowcase worked people! (I know, all it has to do is hold a pillow, but it does this marvelously, trust me.) First try and I didn’t even ruin anything.

I know I am still a sewing rookie, but I really like the idea of crafting something with my own hands and holding it up to myself with a “yesss!” Eventually I want to sew shirts, dresses, and co., especially since I have problems finding things where my chest fits in, but like so many other things in my life right now, it is really all about the baby steps.

All the Waiting...

....is driving me CRAZY!

Our 1st try went much different than expected, largely because the doctor was a douchecanoe.

Admittedly, we were a bit late, but we had warned them that this might be the case due to the drive and all of the construction sites along the way. The reassured us that they would not be thawing the sperm until we arrived.

Once we got there, they gave the order to thaw it and then the doc came by to say that he had to go do something real quick (not really off to a great start here, since once it is thawed, you need to use it right away).

After 20 minutes, he was back, and had us in his office. He then proceeded to ask the nurse about why we didn't have any blood work (I forgot this part, but was trying to tell him myself- and anyway, we wanted to see if mostly nature and good timing would work on the first try) and to go on about how we needed shots to trigger ovulation. I was just irritated that he didn't speak directly to us! Even though we explained to him that our normal dr. (who had that day off) had accepted our decision to only use the Clomid, he did make a striking argument.

He then proceeded to go on about how it could be possible that I won't ovulate at all and that we even need to make sure that I hadn't already. I tried to explain to him that I am charting and using ovulation tests, but he seemed so...hurried. We even received our bill beforehand!

So, he then ushered us into the examination room, where he waited impatiently for me to get undressed. Once on the table, he did a really quick look on one side to make sure that my follicles were still there. Two still were, and he neither checked the other side nor measured them. Then, he proceeded to do something down there (I was tilted, so I couldn't tell what he was doing, and Broom stood at the other end in shock, but at least I could see her- which helped despite the fact that she looked horrified). He explained nothing, and was very rough. After maybe 10 seconds, he un-tilted the chair and handed me a paper towel and told me to get dressed. The whole thing, including him asking the nurse the questions, lasted MAX 5 minutes.

We were both in shock.

Broom asked "Was that it, with the sperm?". He simply replied with a yes, and went back to the other room. They could tell from our patient ID that this was our first try, and he didn't explain a thing, nor did he ask if we wanted to do it ourselves! Since this is what we agreed upon with our normal doc, we expected this to be the case- and I thought that he was putting in a tube so that we could do it.

We were then ushered back into his office, given our prescription for the shot to cause ovulation, and go back to the waiting room. There we had to ask about an item on the bill which wasn't explained, since they needed to take blood.

Still in shock, I laid my legs on Broom's lap while we waited for the shot to be delivered, since we know this helps. After the shot and the blood work, we had me lay down on another bench outside to relax and help the swimmers up before we had the long drive back home.

Now, we are pretty sure the shot did its job and that I ovulated that night, and I keep telling myself that this doesn't matter too much as long as it worked. This baby we are trying to make is still made out of love, despite the clinical setting, and us helping nature along.

All The Waiting has begun. Only 6-9 more days until we can trust a pregnancy test. It has been emotionally draining and I have been really clingy, but, I am trying to stay cautiously positive.

Send my uterus good vibes, mkay?