Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wake up call

Today I ran some overtime statistics and realized, that for the month of February, that I worked the highest average number of hours per day than anyone else who punches a clock in Germany (which most people here do, as there is a working hours law that requires employers and employees to have a record of the number of hours worked.

This was hard for me to see. I don't want to be doing as much overtime as I have been, but I am worried about letting my boss down, who I really like as a boss, and as a "friend" (I dunno if we could call it that, but it feels like that to me). I don't want to be that person- because no matter what you might think- no one gives a shit about your overtime or "all the work you've done for the company". Really. They don't care. Once you are gone, you are gone and the work will either be taken over by someone else or not. And the clock still keeps on ticking.

Getting pregnant and having a baby with Broom is my highest priority right now. I've given up coffee, alcohol, and vigorous physical exercise until we know for sure how this cycle turns out, and then there is a small window for wine and the cross trainer before it starts again. My overtime is the other part where I just need It's not like I'm saving lives! So, I'm giving up feeling like I need to be able to do everything, because I can't- and work is where I need to start cutting down. Starting Monday, I am going to try and not work any more that 9.5 hours a day. It's still not perfect- but it would be a big baby step (pun intended).

On that note, I had my 2nd ultrasound yesterday, and my endometrium was up to a perfect 11mm and I had 2 follicles, on 15mm and the other 18mm (multiple smaller follicles on the other side). We triggered yesterday (still have yet to break the ampule for the mixing liquid without it at least partially shattering), and yesterday (before the trigger) I had another 2 glaringly positive OPKs. Today I had ovulation like pains around 2:30pm and tomorrow I need to be at the clinic at 10:15 for a 10:45 insem.
So, this timing could still be really good, although I have no idea what to think since hCG can increase your temp, and mine was slightly up. We will see in two weeks, I guess.

Happy Friday, people!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Waiting with a side of more waiting

Yesterday I got my thyroid results, and everything was normal (1 result was in the high range of normal, but I'll take it!). Woohoo! Was so nervous about something possibly being wrong that I couldn't sleep well the night before.

That afternoon I had another shot to strengthen my ovaries (probably my last, my natural healer checked with the company that makes the medicine and they said that any interference is unlikely, but they would still recommend no shot after an insem), and then I got my follicles measured.

As always, predicting ovulation is really hard. And, it turns out, my follicles weren't as big as I had expected. The biggest was 11.6mm with multiple between 8-9mm on the other side and an endometrium of 9.6mm. So, altogether positive, but probably points to ovulation on Thursday or Friday at the earliest. I called the clinic today, and they want me to get another ultrasound tomorrow, and luckily I got an appointment first thing in the morning.

To throw everything through a loop, I got a +OPK today at 10am after a 2 hour hold. No idea what to think now....but I am leaning towards Thurs / Fri anyway, and I am not sure if I still want to trigger or not since my hormones are already surging on their own. I guess I will tell the clinic tomorrow and see what they say, although I don't think they care. My gyno encouraged me to talk to them about my unhappiness with their service, but I told her that I am too nervous that they will refuse us service.

*Sigh* sometimes I feel like all of my doctors, and myself are all just guessing.

Keep your fingers crossed for a good measurement tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Is it Monday yet?

I know, I know, no one likes Mondays.

But next Monday, I find out if my Thyroid is still ok, and what my follicles look like (and, if everything goes OK, I will get an appointment from the fertility clinic. And no, they did not answer my question regarding other possible vacation times where we wouldn't be able to have an insem- I mean, that would be something close to customer service, right?).

Keep everything crossed that we will get a green light on all fronts. I really don't like all of these forced pauses. I counted, and between now and when I want to go to the US for training for work and vacation are 5 tries. Statistically, we could be pregnant by the next time I go home. However, if there is one thing that I have learned from this whole process is that you can't predict shit. April will be the anniversary of our 1st insem, and if we can insem next week, it will only be our 5th actual, and since we have decided not to count the 1st two, it is really our 3rd.

Aside from regular gym visits, increasing which foods we buy from local sources and / or organic, eating organic, full-fat dairy (OMG, it tastes so good- why are so many American families afraid of full-fat dairy?!? And, I feel great when I eat it, and have lost a few pounds), taking my vitamins (iron, folic acid with B6, Magnesium, and omega 3-6-9 oil), and meditating- I haven't been doing much. (HA) Oh, and those cycle-regulating shots and drops- the last of which are next week. Since I started my homeopathic treatment, I ovulated for the first time in over a year on cycle day 14, and had a 28 day cycle. I still spotted beforehand and didn't have a very long period (3 days, not counting the spotting), but baby steps here- in every sense of the word.

I'm feeling good and whole though, which counts for a lot in my book.

Enjoy the rest of your week!

Monday, February 11, 2013

I think we can declare last week a crap week

Last week kicked my ass.

It started off with a bunch of work crap going wrong, and whole lot of stress that I did not deal with well. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, a lot of my work had mistakes, and I felt like I was seriously done with feeling like we weren't getting anywhere.

Admittedly, I know I am undergoing hormone treatments and gearing up for my next cycle and insem, but it still felt like too much to handle- more than I was capable of dealing with. So, when Broom asked me about my day on Wednesday, I burst into inconsolable tears, and then again later that same night.
I want to be able to have more than two hobbies (blogging and working out)! Not work 50 hour weeks! Have time to help on strategic projects rather than drowning in a sea of administrative and urgent tasks!

My boss being as awesome as she is, I geared up to talk with her about it on Thursday, and had planned to do so after lunch.

Right before lunch, after running errands in the building where I work, I glanced at my phone. Every email account and digital profile I had contained a message:

"Please call Dad."

Anyone living abroad, or somewhere that you can't get home quickly from knows that this a really bad message. This means bad shit has happened, because good news usually has a larger time window than bad news.

Due to above mentioned awesomeness, I used the office phone and called my Dad at 5 am to find out that my Grandma had passed away that morning.

Her last words were "I'm fine.".

With those words, the amazing life of one of the most consistently-nice people I have had the pleasure of knowing came to an end. 87 years of volunteering, mothering, grandmothering, and being the epitome of  a "good person". My family told me that many more people came to the services than they had anticipated, and even the nursing home staff were in tears at the news of her passing (even though I wonder if you ever truly get used to loss).

On Monday, I put a card in the mail for her- a bouquet of flowers on the front, since they are easier to send that way. On Wednesday, it came back because its smaller, unusual shape called for more postage.

Thursday night, I made the tough call not to buy a ticket home for the next day. My family completely understands, but I wish I could be there to grieve with them.

The last time I saw her, Thanksgiving 2012, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her "15 minutes with you, Grandma". As she was consistently very tired as of late, she asked me 5 minutes later if her time was up yet, but in a way that was more funny than rude. Later on, she looked at my rings, and asked me if I was engaged. When I replied that I was already married, she responded "That's right, Broom." and then was able to state our wedding anniversary, including the year (2010).

Was last week a crap week?
Hell yes.
But you know what my Grandma taught me?

Niceness pays off. And of course, I'll be fine.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Week 2 of homeopathic treatments

Week two starts tomorrow!

I am doing the shots to strengthen my ovaries, twice a week as administered by my natural healer and drops for the parts of my brain responsible for hormone production (40 drops, diluted in some water, sipped slowly, 3x a day before meals).

While there are no side-effects whatsoever (there usually aren't with natural remedies), I ovulated this week on cycle day 14! I had been ovulating on day 16-19, so I am excited to see how long my cycle is this month, and will have to plan on getting my next follicle ultrasound done earlier next cycle, just in case.
Nevertheless, I am excited to see that there have already been changes, even after just a short amount of time!

Other than practicing patience in regards to next cycle, I have also been trying to manage my work stress with workouts and eating healthy. I am going to try and work with my boss so that my consistent overtime slowly becomes only occasional. I do feel like I am dealing with my stress differently and better, though. I am back to the mindset that I had when I ran the department myself, which is that I can only do so much in one day- and we really aren't saving lives here!

Enjoyed a really nice weekend with Broom, and we are slowly working our way through reorganizing rooms in our apartment, and getting rid of stuff we don't need feels really good.

All in all, I feel like I am truly taking care of me in a way I believe in, and it feels really good.