I know I shouldn't feel guilty about all the "shoulds"...

...but of course, I do! Some might attribute this to my religious upbringing (13 years of Catholic schooling, check!), but I think a part of it can be attributed to culture, and of course, some of it is just plain old me.

A (random) list of "shoulds" running around in my head right now:

- shorten curtains in the kids room
- staple back of cupboard back on
- meditate to be calmer for the insem next week
- stop guessing when the insem might be, (since the doctor hasn't set a date yet), so as to think about how bad me missing a day at work might be and if my boss notices that the doctor's note is from really far away...
- start learning Spanish again
- clean out papers and organize kids room

- do taxes, since the German lawmakers decided not to give Broom and I tax rights even though this was declared unconstitutional (WTF?)
- finish my book

All of this, floating around my head even though I used this random, middle of the week holiday to help a friend move, start a new loaf of bread, make dinner, and am going to the gym later. I have been progressively working on getting rid of those feelings of needing to be productive, and Broom has been a big help in helping me get leveled here. In fact, it seems as if she has slowed me down a bit in this respect and I have sped her up, which is working out great, but is indeed a long process. Hopefully I am right in thinking that everyone feels this way at least some of the time, although often I wonder "how do they make it all look so easy?"

Speaking of helping my friend move- should I feel guilty about having stumbled across her dildo/vibrator? They were not very organized, and somehow I was packing her top drawers, and there it was in all of its red glory. I just wrapped the undershirts around it so that maybe she would think that I didn't see it and packed it away and labeled the box with her name (so hopefully she will be the one who opens it and not her kids). A moving company really would have been a good investment for them, but I am NOT lifting weights at the gym tonight.

On that note, I am off to do the curtains!

Start your engines

Ironic, isn't it?
First, I post about having free time, then I kind of briefly, forget that I have a blog.
Happens to the best of us, amirite?

Anywho, since I tempted the universe with that post, my workload blew up in my face, leading to the new feeling that 10 hour days were "short". I am, however, still eternally grateful that my boss is the bee's knees & at least half of all of our employee issues are her responsibility & I get to play a supporting role. (Oh, how I would love to be able to blog about each of them in detail!) Let's just sum all of them up with "What do you mean I can't send a completely disrespectful and unprofessional email to HR and not expect consequences?!?" Um...no.

Other than work, I am glad to say that Broom's stress has also gotten less, which means that things are altogether running more smoothly.

It was the perfect setup to go on a 1.5 week vaycay to Dublin. The city is so highly idealized where I come from that I had really high expectations. It wasn't as "old" looking as I had expected, but it was great fun and visiting the neighboring coastal cities was amazing. Also, some of the nicest locals I have ever met! They go out of their way to make sure you get help, even taking time out of their own busy commute. Catching up with my rents and relaxing was just what I needed.

Luckily, I was able to come back to the news that I am healthy again!
Told the Dr. via email right away, so we should be able to try again in about 3 weeks.
It feels good to know we can start working towards this goal of ours again.

And then there was free time?!?

It is quite an odd sensation, suddenly not to have all of the responsibility at work.
I wasn't sure how it would go, or if I would like it.
To be honest, I am still getting used to it, but I quite like it!

Now, I can ask someone for help and a second opinion AND we can split the work.

To boot, she is my boss and an incredibly nice person who I feel like I can be friends with and trust to be a great coworker. It feels like a new beginning, after the past year filled with tons of overtime and stress.
Being able to go home at normal times is something that I will definately have to get used to as time goes on, but I think I am going to be surprisingly ok with not being the boss anymore. It isn't my time yet, I have other priorities and am slowly getting more time to think about which ones I would like to put first. Thinking about myself and what to do with my free time is the more scary part, but since it will be a gradual change to just 40 hours a week, I think I will slowly be able to get used to having a balanced life again.

That sounds just about right!

Family Fun

The past couple of weeks have been filled with more family time than I am used to, and most of it was a pleasant surprise (or, at least a partial surprise).

My brother is in the Army and I knew he might get sent to the Schland for a class from where he is currently deployed in the Middle East, but I also knew that it quite possibly wouldn't happen either. So, to my surprise, he told me on Thursday that it was looking good, and let me know that he had his ticket on Friday. On Saturday, he called at 7am to say he was in Istanbul.

The Broom and I hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to where he was and we hung out for Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday before we had to drive back (this was the weekend before our birthday- so it was a great present for us to be able to almost spend it together for the first time in over 5 years). This past weekend he was able to drive up to see us and our apartment and the beautiful city we live in.

Yesterday we got to hike through some breathtaking landscapes that are really close to where we live, which reminded us to get out and discover them more. I think most of us have some sort of piece of impressive nature nearby that we often take for granted and forget to explore. We will be doing our best to regularly explore these wonders!

On the flip side, I realized how disconnected from my in-laws I feel. Not only have many of them rejected Broom in multiple ways, but they make no effort to show interest in us or what we are doing. They don't agree with our lifestyle, and haven't learned to express love for us despite that. I told my mother in law how all of this made us feel and how I am not ashamed of anything and that it hurts that she doesn't defend us (along with a list of other things). The sad part is, that she admitted that what I said wouldn't change how she treats us- I just made sure to emphasize again that we will not bring any children we have around people that make them feel less than loved for who they are.

It may still be awhile until we can try again (my Thyroid still isn't where it should be, and they have upped my dosage), but when we can and do get pregnant, I will not having family making our children ashamed for the loving household that brought them into this world. They will have to fight against that early enough, so as long as I can control that influence, I will.

Appearances

Many Germans are all about "looking the part" and appearing to have it all pulled together.
So much so, that those who work as maids will often wear nice clothes on public transportation, change into their work clothes at work, and back into their nice clothes for the bus ride home.

The same is seen in the gym- people come in after work in their work clothes, change into workout clothes, and then put back on their work clothes (If these people always showered in between, I would get it, but many do not since I am at the cheap gym where you have to pay to use the showers.). All because those clothes aren't appropriate for going out.

My in-laws are similar, dressing up to see one another- all the time- and criticizing us if we don't.

I hope I never overrate appearances, because there is so much you just don't see.

The hurt of someone who has just lost a loved family member, the worry of someone rushing off to an interview, the depression of someone struggling with the disease, all of these things can be hidden by looking "normal" or "ordentlich" (orderly). It is so freeing to know that it doesn't matter what appears- you may be a "straight-looking" woman who gets weird looks at bars and clubs when you are with your wife- but YOU know who YOU are and often, appearances don't reflect that.

Right now, I appear to be putting all of my energy into work, but I am holding back in the hopes that the bloodwork they drew today will let me know on Friday that we can begin trying to become pregnant again. And that's where I need my energy.

Distraction

I am pleased to say that my moods have pretty much normalized after having a bad weekend last weekend- I just felt very out of control of my emotions. Depressed, moody, and a very low self-esteem. I think that was my body adjusting to the new thyroid medication and I feel much better now and look forward to my blood work in a few weeks.

In the meantime, I have been really busy at work and although I am quite good at what I do and I feel like it makes a difference for the individuals that I help, but sometimes it feels a little lost in the grand scheme of things and I wonder if my "real" calling will reveal myself. I have been clocking a lot of overtime, which I hope to be able to stop soon- but it is hard for me since there is no one else in my department to fall back on. On the one hand, I know that once my body is ready for us to try again, that my stress should be as low as possible, it is hard to reduce it when I am fighting through all of the work alone.

So, in the meantime, I am doing my best to distract myself with real life and really enjoy it. Sometimes easier said than done for me, as I always weigh myself down with needing to have accomplished things to feel good about myself. I am not 100% sure where it comes from, but it is something that I have always had.

Here is to letting go on this hot Saturday in the Schland.

Back to the Grind

Hey there, virtual (and I suppose, somewhere, real as well) people!

I'm back from by "buscation" and it is good to be home. It really is where the heart is. I often still refer to where I was born and raised to "home", but it isn't really. It is that super-familiar place where you know where the spoons, toilet paper, and junk food are, but still feel like a guest in some aspect.

My business part of my trip went by quickly enough, which helped! Got a lot done in the office and even saw an old dear friend and her family before telling everyone that would listen (and some who would have rather not listened) that I would only be reachable for emergencies and my business email could go fuck itself. It was a great decision!

I got in lots of baby holding time and got to see lots of family. The few friends I still have in and around where I grew up even took off work to see me, which made me feel really special and was great fun. I often have trouble feeling like I don't do enough or relax enough while I am there, or like I don't see enough people- which can make it hard to call it vacation. This time was harder than usual, I missed Broom a lot and really felt out of it although I had a good time.

The reason behind it was clear when I was back in the Schland and had some routine blood work scheduled for right when I got back. Turns out my thyroid is messed up again, which explains by low basal temperature, my anxiety, and generally being off. I've been on meds for hypothyroidism (not enough) for almost 2 years now and they upped my dosage for the baby making.

Now that it is off again, we have decided to wait to try again until it is OK. A hard, but good decision, although I wish I could say I dealt OK with it- but it felt like breaking. I have to reassure myself that it is OK to feel that way and fine to be so emotional about it, especially since my emotions are off right now and will be until my body absorbs the extra medicine which could take two weeks. With this and the lovely cold I brought back from the US of A, I am exhausted and practicing being patient with myself.

Nevertheless, it is good to be home and even better to have Broom to go through this stuff with. I just know she will get a job that isn't shite, and we will get pregnant; but both of those important life steps have their own time lines- and cannot be rushed.