In jest, I have often told Broom that this whole process would be MUCH easier if my vagina would just email me or even send me a meeting invite to let me know when would be a good time for the sperm to make their appearance. You know, then I don't have to hide OPKs (used and unused) under my bra strap or in my knee-high boots on my way to and from the bathroom before trying to move around my crap at my desk so that I can lay it flat (but hidden) to read later- all without my boss, who sits in the same room, noticing. So far, she probably only thinks that I have odd bathroom practices, but maybe she doesn't suspect a thing.
Despite the fact that the fact that my vagina cannot, in fact, send emails, I woke up this morning to the 3rd day in a row of fertile CM (probably TMI, but it was hard to miss this morning and it was more than ever) and then got a +OPK at 10am today (the 3 before and after were negative). So, I figure that's the closest I am going to get to an email and it is a clear message. As long as my body isn't just practicing gearing up, this timing is as good as any- and it isn't any worse than how the doctors determine when I should show up. As a result, Broom and I made the decision that I will just go for an insem tomorrow and even convinced the clinic to give me an appointment. Basically, we are letting me listen to my signs and are hoping that it just feels early in my cycle due to the progesterone I took last cycle.
Turns out my "Easter egg" won't be wasted, after all, and we will have 1 last chance at a 2013 baby. I have no idea what our chances will be or even if our timing is even close to right.
Only time will tell (and because I am going to be a great mom, now I am thinking that getting drunk with Broom and my MIL last night might not have been the best call, but at least I am relaxed, amirite?).
Keep your fingers crossed, people of the interwebs- this could be a fucking huge week, especially when it comes to my home country giving us the possibility of being able to live in the US.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Frustrations
Our weekend away was glorious! The drive there was a little complicated due to some Windows-screensaver-like scattered snow showers, but it was sooo worth it! Luckily, everything was like it was described on the website, and we were welcomed on to a small farm owned by two lovely women and a warm fireplace in a cozy room- right above the horse stalls (it was extremely well insulated, and you could barely hear, let alone smell the horses in the apartment we were in). We were able to spend time with their animals, ride horses, and explore the nearby villiages. Although it was cold, we were able to get a fair amount of fresh air in before not being able to feel our extremities. Lots of cooking, napping, and relaxing in front of the fire was had.
This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.
Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.
Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.
So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.
I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."
This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.
Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.
Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.
So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.
I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Almost halfway through all the waiting
So, as planned, I drove to the clinic for the insem on Friday of last week. Late afternoon the day before as well as on my way there, I had ovulation pains. It then came as no surprise that my ultrasound there showed that I had, indeed, already ovulated. As baffling as it may be, they only do this ultrasound (which costs €20 more than the one in my own town, even though nothing is different about it) after they have defrosted the sperm. You'd think they would at least give you the chance to back out if the timing was way off. This is the first time that I had already ovulated before an insem (even though they did not do an ultrasound every time- another thing that doesn't make any sense- but I digress) so I am hoping that this is a good thing, and my egg(s) were already patiently waiting on the sperm.
My Dr.- yes I got my own!- asked about blood work and I told him again that my own gyn's lab is really slow and that it wouldn't help for current cycles. I did let him know that I had my values that he insisted on from the previous cycle with me, if he wanted to check them. He then told me I should go to the local clinic and ask them to do the ultrasounds and blood work since they can work more quickly. After I let him know that they have refused to treat us in the past, he let me know that if I tell the clinic that he sent me, that it would work.
Why the fuck didn't he say this earlier?!? Do you have to spend a minimal amount to get the real "advice"? And if the blood work is so important to making sure that we are getting this right, why didn't they insist on this or another solution during the first tries or our consultation?
Of course, my Dr. didn't even want to look at my old values. Waste of time and money, thank you!
Since I am using progesterone suppositories this cycle, I called the local clinic to test the waters by asking if they would do a blood pregnancy test. They confirmed that it is no problem- and it is even under €20! Once I am there, I will ask about possible future cycles and what the costs are for that.
Other than that frustration, I am feeling good this cycle. I've got the normal bloating, breast tenderness, and pulling in my ovaries- which I don't read too much into most of the time due to the progesterone. My temperatures have been hella awesome, even with the progesterone (I checked similar charts on Fertility Friend, of course), but I am trying to take it with a grain of salt.
I did pineapple core for the first 5 days after ovulation and have been drinking my fertility tea and using my homeopathic globules from my natural healer. Even the suppositories haven't been bad.
All in all, the waiting is going OK, and I am glad that we will know (hopefully for sure) what the blood test says on Friday, so only the rest of today, and then one week! Fertility friend says that a test on Thursday would be accurate and the Dr. from my clinic said Friday, so it should be able to tell us something. Luckily, we will be on our short weekend away, which will help either way.
Happy Thursday!
My Dr.- yes I got my own!- asked about blood work and I told him again that my own gyn's lab is really slow and that it wouldn't help for current cycles. I did let him know that I had my values that he insisted on from the previous cycle with me, if he wanted to check them. He then told me I should go to the local clinic and ask them to do the ultrasounds and blood work since they can work more quickly. After I let him know that they have refused to treat us in the past, he let me know that if I tell the clinic that he sent me, that it would work.
Why the fuck didn't he say this earlier?!? Do you have to spend a minimal amount to get the real "advice"? And if the blood work is so important to making sure that we are getting this right, why didn't they insist on this or another solution during the first tries or our consultation?
Of course, my Dr. didn't even want to look at my old values. Waste of time and money, thank you!
Since I am using progesterone suppositories this cycle, I called the local clinic to test the waters by asking if they would do a blood pregnancy test. They confirmed that it is no problem- and it is even under €20! Once I am there, I will ask about possible future cycles and what the costs are for that.
Other than that frustration, I am feeling good this cycle. I've got the normal bloating, breast tenderness, and pulling in my ovaries- which I don't read too much into most of the time due to the progesterone. My temperatures have been hella awesome, even with the progesterone (I checked similar charts on Fertility Friend, of course), but I am trying to take it with a grain of salt.
I did pineapple core for the first 5 days after ovulation and have been drinking my fertility tea and using my homeopathic globules from my natural healer. Even the suppositories haven't been bad.
All in all, the waiting is going OK, and I am glad that we will know (hopefully for sure) what the blood test says on Friday, so only the rest of today, and then one week! Fertility friend says that a test on Thursday would be accurate and the Dr. from my clinic said Friday, so it should be able to tell us something. Luckily, we will be on our short weekend away, which will help either way.
Happy Thursday!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wake up call
Today I ran some overtime statistics and realized, that for the month of February, that I worked the highest average number of hours per day than anyone else who punches a clock in Germany (which most people here do, as there is a working hours law that requires employers and employees to have a record of the number of hours worked.
This was hard for me to see. I don't want to be doing as much overtime as I have been, but I am worried about letting my boss down, who I really like as a boss, and as a "friend" (I dunno if we could call it that, but it feels like that to me). I don't want to be that person- because no matter what you might think- no one gives a shit about your overtime or "all the work you've done for the company". Really. They don't care. Once you are gone, you are gone and the work will either be taken over by someone else or not. And the clock still keeps on ticking.
Getting pregnant and having a baby with Broom is my highest priority right now. I've given up coffee, alcohol, and vigorous physical exercise until we know for sure how this cycle turns out, and then there is a small window for wine and the cross trainer before it starts again. My overtime is the other part where I just need to.let.it.go. It's not like I'm saving lives! So, I'm giving up feeling like I need to be able to do everything, because I can't- and work is where I need to start cutting down. Starting Monday, I am going to try and not work any more that 9.5 hours a day. It's still not perfect- but it would be a big baby step (pun intended).
On that note, I had my 2nd ultrasound yesterday, and my endometrium was up to a perfect 11mm and I had 2 follicles, on 15mm and the other 18mm (multiple smaller follicles on the other side). We triggered yesterday (still have yet to break the ampule for the mixing liquid without it at least partially shattering), and yesterday (before the trigger) I had another 2 glaringly positive OPKs. Today I had ovulation like pains around 2:30pm and tomorrow I need to be at the clinic at 10:15 for a 10:45 insem.
So, this timing could still be really good, although I have no idea what to think since hCG can increase your temp, and mine was slightly up. We will see in two weeks, I guess.
Happy Friday, people!
This was hard for me to see. I don't want to be doing as much overtime as I have been, but I am worried about letting my boss down, who I really like as a boss, and as a "friend" (I dunno if we could call it that, but it feels like that to me). I don't want to be that person- because no matter what you might think- no one gives a shit about your overtime or "all the work you've done for the company". Really. They don't care. Once you are gone, you are gone and the work will either be taken over by someone else or not. And the clock still keeps on ticking.
Getting pregnant and having a baby with Broom is my highest priority right now. I've given up coffee, alcohol, and vigorous physical exercise until we know for sure how this cycle turns out, and then there is a small window for wine and the cross trainer before it starts again. My overtime is the other part where I just need to.let.it.go. It's not like I'm saving lives! So, I'm giving up feeling like I need to be able to do everything, because I can't- and work is where I need to start cutting down. Starting Monday, I am going to try and not work any more that 9.5 hours a day. It's still not perfect- but it would be a big baby step (pun intended).
On that note, I had my 2nd ultrasound yesterday, and my endometrium was up to a perfect 11mm and I had 2 follicles, on 15mm and the other 18mm (multiple smaller follicles on the other side). We triggered yesterday (still have yet to break the ampule for the mixing liquid without it at least partially shattering), and yesterday (before the trigger) I had another 2 glaringly positive OPKs. Today I had ovulation like pains around 2:30pm and tomorrow I need to be at the clinic at 10:15 for a 10:45 insem.
So, this timing could still be really good, although I have no idea what to think since hCG can increase your temp, and mine was slightly up. We will see in two weeks, I guess.
Happy Friday, people!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Waiting with a side of more waiting
Yesterday I got my thyroid results, and everything was normal (1 result was in the high range of normal, but I'll take it!). Woohoo! Was so nervous about something possibly being wrong that I couldn't sleep well the night before.
That afternoon I had another shot to strengthen my ovaries (probably my last, my natural healer checked with the company that makes the medicine and they said that any interference is unlikely, but they would still recommend no shot after an insem), and then I got my follicles measured.
As always, predicting ovulation is really hard. And, it turns out, my follicles weren't as big as I had expected. The biggest was 11.6mm with multiple between 8-9mm on the other side and an endometrium of 9.6mm. So, altogether positive, but probably points to ovulation on Thursday or Friday at the earliest. I called the clinic today, and they want me to get another ultrasound tomorrow, and luckily I got an appointment first thing in the morning.
To throw everything through a loop, I got a +OPK today at 10am after a 2 hour hold. No idea what to think now....but I am leaning towards Thurs / Fri anyway, and I am not sure if I still want to trigger or not since my hormones are already surging on their own. I guess I will tell the clinic tomorrow and see what they say, although I don't think they care. My gyno encouraged me to talk to them about my unhappiness with their service, but I told her that I am too nervous that they will refuse us service.
*Sigh* sometimes I feel like all of my doctors, and myself are all just guessing.
Keep your fingers crossed for a good measurement tomorrow!
That afternoon I had another shot to strengthen my ovaries (probably my last, my natural healer checked with the company that makes the medicine and they said that any interference is unlikely, but they would still recommend no shot after an insem), and then I got my follicles measured.
As always, predicting ovulation is really hard. And, it turns out, my follicles weren't as big as I had expected. The biggest was 11.6mm with multiple between 8-9mm on the other side and an endometrium of 9.6mm. So, altogether positive, but probably points to ovulation on Thursday or Friday at the earliest. I called the clinic today, and they want me to get another ultrasound tomorrow, and luckily I got an appointment first thing in the morning.
To throw everything through a loop, I got a +OPK today at 10am after a 2 hour hold. No idea what to think now....but I am leaning towards Thurs / Fri anyway, and I am not sure if I still want to trigger or not since my hormones are already surging on their own. I guess I will tell the clinic tomorrow and see what they say, although I don't think they care. My gyno encouraged me to talk to them about my unhappiness with their service, but I told her that I am too nervous that they will refuse us service.
*Sigh* sometimes I feel like all of my doctors, and myself are all just guessing.
Keep your fingers crossed for a good measurement tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Is it Monday yet?
I know, I know, no one likes Mondays.
But next Monday, I find out if my Thyroid is still ok, and what my follicles look like (and, if everything goes OK, I will get an appointment from the fertility clinic. And no, they did not answer my question regarding other possible vacation times where we wouldn't be able to have an insem- I mean, that would be something close to customer service, right?).
Keep everything crossed that we will get a green light on all fronts. I really don't like all of these forced pauses. I counted, and between now and when I want to go to the US for training for work and vacation are 5 tries. Statistically, we could be pregnant by the next time I go home. However, if there is one thing that I have learned from this whole process is that you can't predict shit. April will be the anniversary of our 1st insem, and if we can insem next week, it will only be our 5th actual, and since we have decided not to count the 1st two, it is really our 3rd.
Aside from regular gym visits, increasing which foods we buy from local sources and / or organic, eating organic, full-fat dairy (OMG, it tastes so good- why are so many American families afraid of full-fat dairy?!? And, I feel great when I eat it, and have lost a few pounds), taking my vitamins (iron, folic acid with B6, Magnesium, and omega 3-6-9 oil), and meditating- I haven't been doing much. (HA) Oh, and those cycle-regulating shots and drops- the last of which are next week. Since I started my homeopathic treatment, I ovulated for the first time in over a year on cycle day 14, and had a 28 day cycle. I still spotted beforehand and didn't have a very long period (3 days, not counting the spotting), but baby steps here- in every sense of the word.
I'm feeling good and whole though, which counts for a lot in my book.
Enjoy the rest of your week!
But next Monday, I find out if my Thyroid is still ok, and what my follicles look like (and, if everything goes OK, I will get an appointment from the fertility clinic. And no, they did not answer my question regarding other possible vacation times where we wouldn't be able to have an insem- I mean, that would be something close to customer service, right?).
Keep everything crossed that we will get a green light on all fronts. I really don't like all of these forced pauses. I counted, and between now and when I want to go to the US for training for work and vacation are 5 tries. Statistically, we could be pregnant by the next time I go home. However, if there is one thing that I have learned from this whole process is that you can't predict shit. April will be the anniversary of our 1st insem, and if we can insem next week, it will only be our 5th actual, and since we have decided not to count the 1st two, it is really our 3rd.
Aside from regular gym visits, increasing which foods we buy from local sources and / or organic, eating organic, full-fat dairy (OMG, it tastes so good- why are so many American families afraid of full-fat dairy?!? And, I feel great when I eat it, and have lost a few pounds), taking my vitamins (iron, folic acid with B6, Magnesium, and omega 3-6-9 oil), and meditating- I haven't been doing much. (HA) Oh, and those cycle-regulating shots and drops- the last of which are next week. Since I started my homeopathic treatment, I ovulated for the first time in over a year on cycle day 14, and had a 28 day cycle. I still spotted beforehand and didn't have a very long period (3 days, not counting the spotting), but baby steps here- in every sense of the word.
I'm feeling good and whole though, which counts for a lot in my book.
Enjoy the rest of your week!
Monday, February 11, 2013
I think we can declare last week a crap week
Last week kicked my ass.
It started off with a bunch of work crap going wrong, and whole lot of stress that I did not deal with well. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, a lot of my work had mistakes, and I felt like I was seriously done with feeling like we weren't getting anywhere.
Admittedly, I know I am undergoing hormone treatments and gearing up for my next cycle and insem, but it still felt like too much to handle- more than I was capable of dealing with. So, when Broom asked me about my day on Wednesday, I burst into inconsolable tears, and then again later that same night.
I want to be able to have more than two hobbies (blogging and working out)! Not work 50 hour weeks! Have time to help on strategic projects rather than drowning in a sea of administrative and urgent tasks!
My boss being as awesome as she is, I geared up to talk with her about it on Thursday, and had planned to do so after lunch.
Right before lunch, after running errands in the building where I work, I glanced at my phone. Every email account and digital profile I had contained a message:
"Please call Dad."
Anyone living abroad, or somewhere that you can't get home quickly from knows that this a really bad message. This means bad shit has happened, because good news usually has a larger time window than bad news.
Due to above mentioned awesomeness, I used the office phone and called my Dad at 5 am to find out that my Grandma had passed away that morning.
Her last words were "I'm fine.".
With those words, the amazing life of one of the most consistently-nice people I have had the pleasure of knowing came to an end. 87 years of volunteering, mothering, grandmothering, and being the epitome of a "good person". My family told me that many more people came to the services than they had anticipated, and even the nursing home staff were in tears at the news of her passing (even though I wonder if you ever truly get used to loss).
On Monday, I put a card in the mail for her- a bouquet of flowers on the front, since they are easier to send that way. On Wednesday, it came back because its smaller, unusual shape called for more postage.
Thursday night, I made the tough call not to buy a ticket home for the next day. My family completely understands, but I wish I could be there to grieve with them.
The last time I saw her, Thanksgiving 2012, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her "15 minutes with you, Grandma". As she was consistently very tired as of late, she asked me 5 minutes later if her time was up yet, but in a way that was more funny than rude. Later on, she looked at my rings, and asked me if I was engaged. When I replied that I was already married, she responded "That's right, Broom." and then was able to state our wedding anniversary, including the year (2010).
Was last week a crap week?
Hell yes.
But you know what my Grandma taught me?
Niceness pays off. And of course, I'll be fine.
It started off with a bunch of work crap going wrong, and whole lot of stress that I did not deal with well. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, a lot of my work had mistakes, and I felt like I was seriously done with feeling like we weren't getting anywhere.
Admittedly, I know I am undergoing hormone treatments and gearing up for my next cycle and insem, but it still felt like too much to handle- more than I was capable of dealing with. So, when Broom asked me about my day on Wednesday, I burst into inconsolable tears, and then again later that same night.
I want to be able to have more than two hobbies (blogging and working out)! Not work 50 hour weeks! Have time to help on strategic projects rather than drowning in a sea of administrative and urgent tasks!
My boss being as awesome as she is, I geared up to talk with her about it on Thursday, and had planned to do so after lunch.
Right before lunch, after running errands in the building where I work, I glanced at my phone. Every email account and digital profile I had contained a message:
"Please call Dad."
Anyone living abroad, or somewhere that you can't get home quickly from knows that this a really bad message. This means bad shit has happened, because good news usually has a larger time window than bad news.
Due to above mentioned awesomeness, I used the office phone and called my Dad at 5 am to find out that my Grandma had passed away that morning.
Her last words were "I'm fine.".
With those words, the amazing life of one of the most consistently-nice people I have had the pleasure of knowing came to an end. 87 years of volunteering, mothering, grandmothering, and being the epitome of a "good person". My family told me that many more people came to the services than they had anticipated, and even the nursing home staff were in tears at the news of her passing (even though I wonder if you ever truly get used to loss).
On Monday, I put a card in the mail for her- a bouquet of flowers on the front, since they are easier to send that way. On Wednesday, it came back because its smaller, unusual shape called for more postage.
Thursday night, I made the tough call not to buy a ticket home for the next day. My family completely understands, but I wish I could be there to grieve with them.
The last time I saw her, Thanksgiving 2012, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her "15 minutes with you, Grandma". As she was consistently very tired as of late, she asked me 5 minutes later if her time was up yet, but in a way that was more funny than rude. Later on, she looked at my rings, and asked me if I was engaged. When I replied that I was already married, she responded "That's right, Broom." and then was able to state our wedding anniversary, including the year (2010).
Was last week a crap week?
Hell yes.
But you know what my Grandma taught me?
Niceness pays off. And of course, I'll be fine.
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