Last, but not least

On Friday, I got my follicles measured after being on clomid again from cycle days 5-9. My super-nice gyn said "Those look great! It has really got to work this time!" Turns out I reacted quite well and had 4 follicles, (2x 15mm, 1 14mm, 1 13mm). The clinic told me to go for another ultrasound on Monday and that I would likely have an insem on Wednesday.

Broom and I made the hard decision that this IUI will be our last due to frustrations with our clinic and the fact that the probability of us getting pregnant with IUI won't be going up with additional tries. We would rather put our money into IVF if this next try doesn't work due to the increased success rates.

It isn't easy setting such a limit for us, and I have to fight back the guilt and shame accompanied with it. Some days, it is easier than others- and I am trying not to get my hopes up too much for this next try. Luckily, I also know that my gyn is trying to support us the best she can and said it would be no problem to write me off sick for IVF.

Regardless of how the next try goes, we will most likely be dealing with at least an egg retrieval in our near-ish future, since Broom is seriously considering harvesting her eggs for use in me at some point. We are currently researching foreign clinics since egg donation isn't allowed in Germany. Only time will tell if they would even consider implanting the eggs into me (if we went this route, we would both harvest at the same time and use the same donor to make all of the embryos that we would use and freeze at once and possibly use a mixture of her and my eggs in one cycle).

If/when we start steps for that, we will probably have to take at least a 3 month break in order to save up for the process. It is a daunting sum of money, but I know it will all be worth it. Broom would like to save up longer- but waiting makes me uneasy since I feel like our dream is stagnant.

We will just have to see what the next few weeks bring.

Increasingly alternative

I couldn't exactly tell you when it started, but step by step ("nach und nach" just sounds so much better), I started to truly question everything I was putting in my body and how I can reduce how much trash I make. Undoubtedly, it is strongly connected to the fact that I am doing my damnedest to be as healthy as possible in order to get pregnant. I've purchased books (the last of which was really well written) that have really helped me slowly adapt a lifestyle that makes me feel good.

Now, for someone coming from a family of nurses and has a mother that in no way believes in homeopathic medicine and somehow always has a stash of meds for all ailments, it feels like unfamiliar territory. Sometimes, I am surprised how many steps I have taken, and am not sure how much further I will want to dive into a fully "crunchy" lifestyle. However, the biggest advantage about living more organically is that it can't hurt!

So far, I have started Biodanza (I am taking a break right now due to the financial strain of the fertility treatments), switched to full-fat, organic dairy, am buying as many organic groceries as I can, have started ear-acupuncture (with needles that stay in until they fall out- I am on day number 4 and on both ears, my weakest points were my ovaries), and have undergone homeopathic treatment to strengthen my ovaries. More recently, I have added self-massage with oil, alternate-nostril breathing, Castor oil packs on my abdomen, and EFT- tapping along the meridians of my body and repeating a positive affirmation about this fertility journey.

Wow. All out in a list like that, I sound like I am a little off my rocker (and, I haven't even gone into my excursions into cloth...but that is a topic for another time).

As "crazy" as it may seem, all of these things are a positive reminder that although I have no control over what happens each cycle, I do have control over how I react.

I think the moral of the story here is- I feel good doing what I am doing now, and it is keeping me calmer (although I am not sure if Broom would agree 100% of the time- but she does her best to understand where I am coming from).

All in all, that can only be a good thing.

Anger

There is something about women being angry in our current society that is unacceptable.

Well, suck it up!

I am angry. And that is OK. You will have to deal.with.it.

I am tired and absolutely fed up with being a second class citizen in both countries that I could currently call home. Does my tax money count less than that of a straight person? Is it somehow counted differently to offset their distaste (either full-blown or subtle) for my lifestyle? Do they not want a well-educated woman ready to procreate producing another tax payer?

Well, in summary, not really.

Dear "Amerka",

What the fuck did I do to you?

I am a boring normal Ohioan who just happened to fall in love with a German woman. For some reason, this makes it OK for me NOT to be able to live in my home country with the person I love. I guess you don't want my bilingual abilities and tax dollars. I guess you don't want parents who so badly want a child that they will ignore discriminatory laws and high prices for any chance to have a child. A deep longing that isn't valued as highly as the longing that straight people have.

Maybe one day you will see the value of those that you shut out. And maybe one day I will forgive you.

Stop being such a fucking bigot,

Me

PS: Germany, your letter will come later.

PPS: Not pregnant yet.

Trusting your instincts can be hard

I had my appointment on Wednesday, which was great because my boss was off and I didn't have to come up with an excuse about why I had to leave at noon. Got our normal Dr., which was ok, I guess.

He did say "Didn't you send me an email? We can go over your questions now." but then didn't go over any of the actual questions since he didn't have our "come to Jesus"/"we feel like cash cows, PLEASE look at my charts!" email open anyways. I told him I needed to talk to him with my wife present in any case, as they are OUR questions, not just mine.

After he asked me how I was doing- I said good- frustrated, but good. He then went on to tell me that since this is our 6th cycle (I figured there was no point in telling him that we don't count the 1st 2 due to my thyroid...since he is SO good at listening.) that if it doesn't work, that the next one should be IVF. I let him know that I would have to talk about it with my wife and that I needed a price overview (3x what we have been paying- without sperm! No surprise there!). I don't know how I feel about IVF. We would have to sit out like 3-4 cycles in order to afford it and on one hand, sure- I am tired of these lower success rates- but on the other hand, I don't feel ready. Maybe after 2 more tries, if it is needed. We will see what the next two weeks bring.

The insem itself was uneventful, although this time he did an ultrasound after the insem- without turning the screen towards me, so I had to strain to see. I had a perfect 17mm follicle, so BOOYAH! I asked to stay tilted in the chair, and he let me stay seated for a bit (but not tilted) so I just put an instead cup in and got dressed.

Still not 100% sure when I ovulated (if it was Wednesday or Thursday), since my temperature went up some on Friday, but not a lot. I had fertile CM for almost a week and + OPKs on Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by negatives, so it wasn't exactly easy to read.

In summary, I feel good, but as always, there is no way of telling. Enjoying the long Easter weekend and the fact that we didn't have to sit out this cycle while trying to keep my hope at a healthy level.

Happy Saturday, everyone!

I think my vagina is finally sending me an "email"

In jest, I have often told Broom that this whole process would be MUCH easier if my vagina would just email me or even send me a meeting invite to let me know when would be a good time for the sperm to make their appearance. You know, then I don't have to hide OPKs (used and unused) under my bra strap or in my knee-high boots on my way to and from the bathroom before trying to move around my crap at my desk so that I can lay it flat (but hidden) to read later- all without my boss, who sits in the same room, noticing. So far, she probably only thinks that I have odd bathroom practices, but maybe she doesn't suspect a thing.

Despite the fact that the fact that my vagina cannot, in fact, send emails, I woke up this morning to the 3rd day in a row of fertile CM (probably TMI, but it was hard to miss this morning and it was more than ever) and then got a +OPK at 10am today (the 3 before and after were negative). So, I figure that's the closest I am going to get to an email and it is a clear message. As long as my body isn't just practicing gearing up, this timing is as good as any- and it isn't any worse than how the doctors determine when I should show up. As a result, Broom and I made the decision that I will just go for an insem tomorrow and even convinced the clinic to give me an appointment. Basically, we are letting me listen to my signs and are hoping that it just feels early in my cycle due to the progesterone I took last cycle.

Turns out my "Easter egg" won't be wasted, after all, and we will have 1 last chance at a 2013 baby. I have no idea what our chances will be or even if our timing is even close to right.
Only time will tell (and because I am going to be a great mom, now I am thinking that getting drunk with Broom and my MIL last night might not have been the best call, but at least I am relaxed, amirite?).

Keep your fingers crossed, people of the interwebs- this could be a fucking huge week, especially when it comes to my home country giving us the possibility of being able to live in the US.

Frustrations

Our weekend away was glorious! The drive there was a little complicated due to some Windows-screensaver-like scattered snow showers, but it was sooo worth it! Luckily, everything was like it was described on the website, and we were welcomed on to a small farm owned by two lovely women and a warm fireplace in a cozy room- right above the horse stalls (it was extremely well insulated, and you could barely hear, let alone smell the horses in the apartment we were in). We were able to spend time with their animals, ride horses, and explore the nearby villiages. Although it was cold, we were able to get a fair amount of fresh air in before not being able to feel our extremities. Lots of cooking, napping, and relaxing in front of the fire was had.

This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.

Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.

Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.

So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go  over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.  

I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."

Almost halfway through all the waiting

So, as planned, I drove to the clinic for the insem on Friday of last week. Late afternoon the day before as well as on my way there, I had ovulation pains. It then came as no surprise that my ultrasound there showed that I had, indeed, already ovulated. As baffling as it may be, they only do this ultrasound (which costs €20 more than the one in my own town, even though nothing is different about it) after they have defrosted the sperm. You'd think they would at least give you the chance to back out if the timing was way off. This is the first time that I had already ovulated before an insem (even though they did not do an ultrasound every time- another thing that doesn't make any sense- but I digress) so I am hoping that this is a good thing, and my egg(s) were already patiently waiting on the sperm.

My Dr.- yes I got my own!- asked about blood work and I told him again that my own gyn's lab is really slow and that it wouldn't help for current cycles. I did let him know that I had my values that he insisted on from the previous cycle with me, if he wanted to check them. He then told me I should go to the local clinic and ask them to do the ultrasounds and blood work since they can work more quickly. After I let him know that they have refused to treat us in the past, he let me know that if I tell the clinic that he sent me, that it would work.

Why the fuck didn't he say this earlier?!? Do you have to spend a minimal amount to get the real "advice"? And if the blood work is so important to making sure that we are getting this right, why didn't they insist on this or another solution during the first tries or our consultation?

Of course, my Dr. didn't even want to look at my old values. Waste of time and money, thank you!

Since I am using progesterone suppositories this cycle, I called the local clinic to test the waters by asking if they would do a blood pregnancy test. They confirmed that it is no problem- and it is even under €20! Once I am there, I will ask about possible future cycles and what the costs are for that.

Other than that frustration, I am feeling good this cycle. I've got the normal bloating, breast tenderness, and pulling in my ovaries- which I don't read too much into most of the time due to the progesterone. My temperatures have been hella awesome, even with the progesterone (I checked similar charts on Fertility Friend, of course), but I am trying to take it with a grain of salt.

I did pineapple core for the first 5 days after ovulation and have been drinking my fertility tea and using my homeopathic globules from my natural healer. Even the suppositories haven't been bad.
All in all, the waiting is going OK, and I am glad that we will know (hopefully for sure) what the blood test says on Friday, so only the rest of today, and then one week! Fertility friend says that a test on Thursday would be accurate and the Dr. from my clinic said Friday, so it should be able to tell us something. Luckily, we will be on our short weekend away, which will help either way.

Happy Thursday!