Hormones

Well, it turns out that hormones really are a bitch, aren't they? This hormone-roller coaster that started with my thyroid problems just doesn't want to stop.

Someone, please tell me, where is the emergency brake?

Did some analysis of my chart data (who doesn't have oodles of data about their menstrual cycle?!?)and realized that since I took Clomid for the first time in April, that my period length shortened dramatically and has never gone back to what used to be "normal" for me. Even though, according to my last blood work, my thyroid was fine, I still worry that it could sneak back away from me, and I will have an under function again, which would most likely render me infertile. I am debating if I should ask the doctor for a monthly check to make sure the inseminations aren't a waste of money.

If that wasn't enough, as ordered by the fertility doc last time, my gyn took blood on my 14th cycle day and the results were not positive. My progesterone, LH, and Estradiol were all low. I am torn about whether or not I should even tell the fertility center about it, as they seem to really not give a shit about me as a person, nor my plans (as documented by them not being able to remember shit about us or telling us about vacation plans). I worry, that if they knew, they would just prescribe a bunch more drugs that would fuck up my system yet again. But, I also want the best care possible.

I just got back from the natural healer, though, and we will be doing shots to regulate my ovaries and drops to regulate the parts of my brain responsible for hormone production. Maybe I will give the results to the fertility center next time we are there? I don't feel like I owe them anything since they don't even have the respect to tell me about their vacation planning (I asked, twice, if they could please let me know about any potential other times where an insemination wouldn't be possible for us- no answer!).

The sad thing is that I have no idea if this is the best way to get me on the right track to conceiving or not, or if fertility testing is in order or not. (If I remember correctly, we didn't do a row of tests that the fertility center wanted us to do because they never really checked to see, and we didn't want to go broke on checking things out beforehand...)

What I do know is that I don't feel like things have been right in my body since I was on those fertility drugs, and that the only ones that really make sense to me are the trigger shots and the progesterone. The rest just feels like it has made me off center.

This feels right, and like I'd be moving along with my body and its natural rhythms, not against it. I just hope I'm right on this.

Customer Service

I don't usually blog in anger- but I am going to make an exception this time. Also, I'm going to let my "potty mouth" flag fly.

Fuck this customer service!!

We are (highly) paying customers, who, without complaint, pay €170 WITHOUT TAX for a Dr. (we have only had the same one twice, and our actual own doctor once, in four tries), to spend a TOTAL of 5 minutes with us (including the time it takes me to take my pants off), and put a catheter into my uterus.  I have to bat my eyelashes to get them to let me stay tilted in the chair for 10 minutes, and any ultrasounds, fertility drugs, and bloodwork all cost extra. And of course, that does not include the sperm, the shipping and handling (within the same damn city) for the sperm, nor transportation costs for us to get there.

And now 2 of the 3 (I think there is a total of 8 or so) are on fucking winter vacation and apparently none of the others can do it, and we are forced to take a break for the next cycle.

I am speechless. You'd think with how they prescribe fertility drugs like candy that they would be grappling for cash. At the least, I would expect them to tell us that this was coming up?!? I had already booked my appointment with my gyno, and this seems just like basic service to me, especially if we are paying for everything out of pocket.

If they had told us this in advance, it wouldn't be such a slap in the face- but after the let down of not being pregnant again and mentally gearing up to do another try, I am just completely pissed.

I really wish that we could switch clinics, but we are bound to them with the contract we signed with the sperm bank.

Nevertheless, I am going to use this unplanned "down time" with my natural healer to get my system working more smoothly. Hopefully, we will have our "take-home baby" soon, and then we can find a new clinic when we are ready for another child.

No news

is not really good news.

Hopefully, no one was waiting to hear if I was preggo with bait on their breath. :)
Despite a good cycle, we are not pregnant.
I found out before having to go "man" my company's stand at a career fair, and dealt with it OK at that moment. Later, after some wine, I had my pity moment, and am feeling positive again right now.
Luckily, the good thing about working all weekend is that I was so tired that I didn't have time to be sad, and now that I have made my next follicle measurement appointment for next week, I have something to look forward to.

I am going to my natural healer on Friday to see what he can do to strengthen my ovaries, and although he didn't say anything about my request to use acupuncture last time, I would like to insist on it this time since I have heard so many good things about it in combination with IUI and IVF.
And, after being on my feet all weekend, I am also thinking about booking a massage. It is all about taking care of myself and my relationship with Broom during this process, so these steps are very important to me.

Off to Biodanza for the first time since before Christmas tonight. I am excited about dancing with them, and about sharing, despite the fact that I am a little worried about being judged for not getting pregnant "quickly" (whatever the hell that means). It just boggles my mind how many people don't understand how getting pregnant works. Unfortunately, the teacher made an offhand remark about me just having a one night stand a couple of months ago, and even though we talked about it, I still don't think she "gets" how horrible her comment was. Alas, I at least know they are trying to understand where we are coming from and what we are going through, and sometimes, that is really all you can ask for.

One Week Post Insem

Surprisingly, time has gone by pretty quickly since my insem last week.
Broom had to work, so I woke up at 5 (she got up with me to make me breakfast and pack me a lunch, I have it good :))
The almost two hour drive went well, although it was quite rainy and still really dark out. I drank fertility tea and sang along to CDs I had packed to listen to.
I arrived at the clinic 10 minutes before they told me to show up (since it takes 20-30 minutes to defrost the sperm). Finally, I after waiting an hour, I found out which doctor would be doing the procedure, and luckily, it was the really nice female doctor.

As usual, the whole thing was over in a few minutes, but she let me stay tilted in the chair for 10 minutes afterwards, covering me up with a paper sheet. She confirmed that my stats looked great, and I could really get pregnant any time now. She also didn't seem to mind that I told her that I don't do the post-insem hCG shots, since I find them too invasive. I explained that I wanted to try natural progesterone cream (which I bought while in the US), and she was really positive about it. I got blood drawn again (the 2nd nurse in a week to go for the "small vein", which should have been my cue to say oh, please look for the invisible big one, but I didn't, and both of my arms were then quite bruised).

I rested in the car with my legs up and ate my sandwich before driving back, which was equally rainy, but luckily uneventful. My nap after I got home was glorious!

Since then, work has been really busy, although I have been dealing better with all of the stress from both trying to get pregnant and work than I have in past cycles. I have managed to meditate pretty regularly and treated myself to a wonderful shiatsu massage, which was extremely relaxing.

Now, I continue to make sure to eat fertility foods, drink my fertility tea, and use my natural progesterone cream. The further along I get in my cycle, the more I want to test, but I think I will manage to wait until Thursday or Friday, and Friday would mark my 30th cycle day, which would be the max my cycle has ever been, so we will see.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

hCG shots are not my favorite

I gave in.

Despite not having a positive OPK yet, I went ahead and followed what the dr. said and gave myself an hCG shot last night at 9pm.
I went to the gyno here on the 2nd and had a follicle with 15mm and a normal endometrium, and they wanted me to trigger the next day and come in on Saturday.
Even though it might have been the same time with my natural trigger, it just felt like the right thing to do this week. Meditating before doing the shot really helped with my fears about it, even though, despite watching a how-to on youtube, the damn glas vial broke again!

Luckily, neither of us were hurt (poor Broom hasn't had luck the 2 times we have done this), and I don't think we lost too much liquid. Today, I woke up to very fertile CM and got a positive on my OPK, so that means it is doing what it is supposed to.

Today I am off work since they had to shut off the power. It feels nice to be able to take some time for me before driving the approx. 2 hours to the insem tomorrow. Unfortunately, I will be going alone since it is Broom's last day at her shit job before starting a new (and hopefully better) one on the 15th. Although it sucks, my wife does have character and not showing up on your last day is a crap thing to do.

So, I will be waking up at oh-God-thirty on a Saturday to ensure that I get there at 8:30. Keep your fingers crossed that this try goes well and that traffic and everything is OK. The next two weeks are supposed to be busy at work, so I am going to try and keep my stress in check (massage scheduled for next week, yay!) and enjoy being distracted.

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

My first experience with a natural healer

On Friday, I went to see a natural healer for the first time.
They are quite prevalent in Germany, and since I have started Biodanza, I have opened myself up to more natural ways of healing, eating, and a way of life in general (which the books I have recently purchased on organic pregnancy and homeopathy can confirm).*
I selected the healer based on proximity to our apartment, how I liked the website, and what treatments they offer.

As expected, the initial visit concentrated on getting to know one another. I let him know right away that I am in a same-sex marriage and that we are trying to conceive, and that I most likely have too much stress at work. He was very open and asked a lot of questions, and he read my eyes. (Iridology is new to me, and I have a lymphatic constitution, which for the most part, makes sense to me.)
Based on that, he could confirm my thyroid problem, and also let me know that I have weak ovaries and a weak spleen. The course of treatment is an anthrophosophical medicine that I am to take 4x a day to strengthen my nerves against stress and exhaustion.

Based on how the insemination goes next week (if we don't miss ovulation based on the holidays...and I am fibbing about using a shot again....just would rather not piss off the flippant doctor), we will see if we do anthrophosophic shots to strengthen my ovaries and my spleen. Also, he suggested ear acupuncture to reduce stress (which you can only do if you are not pregnant). What I find most interesting, is that he was really interested in my cycle charts, whereas the fertility "specialists" don't care at all about all of this wondrous data, electing instead to scare me into taking unnatural fertility drugs that leave me feeling out of touch with my body.

So, we will see how it goes next week, I have an appointment to get my follicles measured on the 2nd and expect, if our timing is ok, to have to go for the insemination on the 3rd or the 4th. Hopefully my body will pull through and react to the relaxing pills and other natural substances I am using to try and encourage this to work.



* This is in no way a sponsored post, I just thought you might like to know what I am reading...

Feiertage

Ahh, the holidays!
They can be especially hard in the years that I can't make it home for Christmas, but this year was OK, all things considered. We kept things pretty low-key, and only spent the 24th with family (well, Broom's mom, but that was enough). Since it started off with comments from her that can lead one to run away screaming, we started drinking wine relatively early. That seemed to help, and the evening was even fun, playing monopoly, and me explaining to my somewhat homophobic mother in law all about all of the steps one has to go through in Germany to become pregnant as two women in a civil union.

It was rather interesting, to say the least, and in her subdued state, she couldn't change the subject (or I didn't let her, I don't really remember, come to think of it...).

The next morning was a little rough, which was only magnified by the fact that I caught Broom's cold and had a fever for about a day and a half. I am still carrying it around with me, now without fever. With any luck, I will be done with my coughing and stuffy nose, etc. by New Year's Eve.

For that ever-so-fateful evening (ha), we will be spending the night with 11 other women, 2 of whom we know quite well, and the rest are either acquaintances or strangers, and we are really looking forward to a quiet night with good food and good people.

Enjoy the holidays, Blogosphere!