There are a whole hell of a lot of things that I have learned since becoming a mother.
One of those things is that I am glad that I did not have expectations about what my child would be like. This turned out to be a good thing since I never would have guessed that my child would have Epilepsy.
Although I am almost always able to put things in perspective and appreciate the fact that Shrimpy's Epilepsy isn't severe, is well managed, and hasn't caused any delays as far as we can tell, sometimes I don't want to be reasonable about it.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been typical first-time parents- freaking out about little things and having sleep as the biggest worry. I also dream about what it would have been like to have had two weeks off with Broom and Shrimpy, getting to know one another and letting my body recover from birth.
Instead I was on my feet within the hospital and lost a lot of blood, healed badly, had edema on my feet and hands, a bout with depression, PTSD and nightmares. Instead, I kept my baby within eyesight for longer than I care to admit- first in person, then with a video baby monitor. My biggest worry was that I would miss a seizure, she wouldn't breathe, and she would get brain damage or die. I had a lot of anxiety about all of those things.
Those are hard words to write. But I learned to "feel" her moods and try and just let the risk be. Will it be there for a long, long time. Will it ever go away? I really don't know.
But I also know that there are mothers out there who would be happy to "just" have those worries.
I know I am lucky, and I know that I am strong, as is Shrimpy.
Somehow, through all of that, we managed to breastfeed for 13 months.
Somehow, we managed to not let Epilepsy rule our life.
Do I wonder what life would be like without a bed monitor and video monitor for my Shrimpy? Do I wonder if the medicine made her personality different? Sure.
Luckily, most of the time, I don't wonder if we are doing the right thing because it just feels right.
These things make our family feel good:
- We speak openly about her Epilepsy so that she knows there is nothing to be ashamed of-we are even working on her learning on how to give herself her medicine
- We don't ask for her to be treated differently- but we do avoid her triggers (so, sleep is holy and disco balls are not our friends)
- We don't watch TV with her- screen time is limited to an occasional Sesame Street song on a cell phone
- We keep to a schedule that we try not to make too busy and think twice about when we decide to act outside of it
So, on today, like every other day, I will let myself mourn the life I didn't have while concentrating on the awesome life I do have- with an amazing wife and wonderful child who never ceases to amaze me.
Shrimpy may be special needs in her own way- but I have come to the conclusion that each child has their own special needs and each life has its "normal".
Showing posts with label sounds simple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sounds simple. Show all posts
Friday, October 16, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
What do you want to be when you grow up?
For a long time, I thought I would become a doctor. Coming from a family of medical personnel, it seemed doable. Until I had high school chemistry. Which I hated.
Then, I thought I could become a writer. But, then I realized that the world is full of writers and that it is very hard to make a living as a writer.
So, I decided to do what I was good at, and studied languages.
Since I didn't want to be a translator, I got an MBA and went into marketing.
It turns out that marketing managers often aren't nice people and I have trouble caring about selling stuff that helps no one and in fact could hurt people. So, I transferred to HR.
For awhile, I thought I was helping people because I could help them get answers and lend an open ears in time of stress, etc. For awhile before my leave, it felt like I started to drown in nonsense. Like we no longer treated people as capable adults. We also added so many processes that our processes have processes.
To add insult to injury, the strategic projects that I was in charge of before are now gone since my replacement wasn't qualified to do them. And now, since my boss is having trouble getting meaningful work for herself as well, which understandably means that most meaningful work she keeps for herself.
In a nutshell: I am bored and I feel like 85% of what I do is meaningless and treats my "customers" like they are utter idiots. It is hard.
A part of me feels like my inner hippie needs out- in reality I see myself as a darn crunchy mom and friend who would love to do something where it would matter if I didn't do it- something where I am actually helping and / or writing- doing something more freely.
If only it weren't for those pesky student loans that I probably have 10 years or more left to pay back on. Or maybe, just maybe, I can do both. It would be a lot of work, trying to write enough on the side, but who knows- maybe I would finally feel like I am what I should be, now that I am a grownup.
In the meantime I am trying my best not to let the stress of work get to me and put off the feeling that my cells are slowly bonding with my outdated desk as I sit away my days- at least I earn a good wage (and I am grateful for what it provides us!)- but sometimes things get so ridiculous and nonsensical that I want to run away screaming.
Writing instead seems to be helping for now, at least.
Then, I thought I could become a writer. But, then I realized that the world is full of writers and that it is very hard to make a living as a writer.
So, I decided to do what I was good at, and studied languages.
Since I didn't want to be a translator, I got an MBA and went into marketing.
It turns out that marketing managers often aren't nice people and I have trouble caring about selling stuff that helps no one and in fact could hurt people. So, I transferred to HR.
For awhile, I thought I was helping people because I could help them get answers and lend an open ears in time of stress, etc. For awhile before my leave, it felt like I started to drown in nonsense. Like we no longer treated people as capable adults. We also added so many processes that our processes have processes.
To add insult to injury, the strategic projects that I was in charge of before are now gone since my replacement wasn't qualified to do them. And now, since my boss is having trouble getting meaningful work for herself as well, which understandably means that most meaningful work she keeps for herself.
In a nutshell: I am bored and I feel like 85% of what I do is meaningless and treats my "customers" like they are utter idiots. It is hard.
A part of me feels like my inner hippie needs out- in reality I see myself as a darn crunchy mom and friend who would love to do something where it would matter if I didn't do it- something where I am actually helping and / or writing- doing something more freely.
If only it weren't for those pesky student loans that I probably have 10 years or more left to pay back on. Or maybe, just maybe, I can do both. It would be a lot of work, trying to write enough on the side, but who knows- maybe I would finally feel like I am what I should be, now that I am a grownup.
In the meantime I am trying my best not to let the stress of work get to me and put off the feeling that my cells are slowly bonding with my outdated desk as I sit away my days- at least I earn a good wage (and I am grateful for what it provides us!)- but sometimes things get so ridiculous and nonsensical that I want to run away screaming.
Writing instead seems to be helping for now, at least.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
A pat on the back
As you can see, my resolution to blog more frequently is more easily said than done.... but I am doing my best to keep all guilty feelings in check- which, with a Catholic school upbringing nicht immer einfach ist.
However, given our past with Shrimpy, I think getting caught up in day-to-day things is something that I can really be thankful for, and I have really been enjoying the small stuff.
As of this writing, she has been seizure free for 3 months and 8 days. Every day without is truly a gift. We have slowly been reducing one of her meds since 3 is a lot, and (**knocks on an entire forest**) it is going well so far. I am still processing the trauma that we have been through, but think that it will take a long while. Perhaps I will seek out a therapist, but I'm not sure yet. My nightmares have gotten better, and I can sometimes forget that we have the threat of seizures breathing down our necks and am determined to have us all live as normally as possible.
Since my last post post concentrated a lot on the hard realities that we have been through, I am going to brag a bit, and list the things that make me proud at the moment because I can:
- Shrimpy and I exclusively breast fed for 6 months (despite 2 illness periods where she was too weak to drink)! In fact, we have somehow managed to have no major difficulties other than the times she was ill. I feel really lucky that our breastfeeding relationship has been so solid. On her half birthday, we gave her sweet potato to try out (baby led weaning). She isn't quite ready, but we keep practicing for when she is ready.
- We made the family decision to try having her sleep in her own room since all 3 of us were no longer sleeping well, and since then, we have all slept great!
- Shrimpy has a slightly smaller than normal head circumference, but everything else is normal. She has more than doubled her birth weight and has met all of her developmental milestones. She turned over in both directions in May and did it a few times afterwards, but has since been distracted with other things- like her feet!
- The few trips we have taken as a family have been great- with very little fussiness and no trouble sleeping elsewhere. Yay!
- We got a spot in our first choice for daycare- one right around the corner with phenomenal opening times meaning that I can work 40 hours if I so choose and don't have to miss out on too many meetings, even though I will surely find a way around as many as possible. We spoke with the manager there and she has already had good experiences with other children with epilepsy and even double checked with her staff to ensure that there were no prejudices against families like ours. Check and check!
My American brain can still hardly believe that I have been off work for so long and that I don't have to go back until February. With appointments, playgroups, meeting up with friends, and everything else that normal life and keeping up a household entails, time has really been flying by.
I truly cherish being able to rock my baby to sleep and nurse her whenever she needs it. Playtime and nap time and yes, I can even appreciate when she throws a tantrum because she now hates taking her medicine- because she is healthy enough to tantrum and we now know that her being upset probably isn't a trigger.
We have even found a babysitter that we have gotten to know gradually and had our first date night since my mom was here. It was a nice, brief time out for the first time and good for us.
All in all, it isn't easy living with the "what if" in the back of my head all the time, but I refuse to let Epilepsy scare me from having the most normal life possible for me and my family. Shrimpy deserves that, and so do we.
However, given our past with Shrimpy, I think getting caught up in day-to-day things is something that I can really be thankful for, and I have really been enjoying the small stuff.
As of this writing, she has been seizure free for 3 months and 8 days. Every day without is truly a gift. We have slowly been reducing one of her meds since 3 is a lot, and (**knocks on an entire forest**) it is going well so far. I am still processing the trauma that we have been through, but think that it will take a long while. Perhaps I will seek out a therapist, but I'm not sure yet. My nightmares have gotten better, and I can sometimes forget that we have the threat of seizures breathing down our necks and am determined to have us all live as normally as possible.
Since my last post post concentrated a lot on the hard realities that we have been through, I am going to brag a bit, and list the things that make me proud at the moment because I can:
- Shrimpy and I exclusively breast fed for 6 months (despite 2 illness periods where she was too weak to drink)! In fact, we have somehow managed to have no major difficulties other than the times she was ill. I feel really lucky that our breastfeeding relationship has been so solid. On her half birthday, we gave her sweet potato to try out (baby led weaning). She isn't quite ready, but we keep practicing for when she is ready.
- We made the family decision to try having her sleep in her own room since all 3 of us were no longer sleeping well, and since then, we have all slept great!
- Shrimpy has a slightly smaller than normal head circumference, but everything else is normal. She has more than doubled her birth weight and has met all of her developmental milestones. She turned over in both directions in May and did it a few times afterwards, but has since been distracted with other things- like her feet!
- The few trips we have taken as a family have been great- with very little fussiness and no trouble sleeping elsewhere. Yay!
- We got a spot in our first choice for daycare- one right around the corner with phenomenal opening times meaning that I can work 40 hours if I so choose and don't have to miss out on too many meetings, even though I will surely find a way around as many as possible. We spoke with the manager there and she has already had good experiences with other children with epilepsy and even double checked with her staff to ensure that there were no prejudices against families like ours. Check and check!
My American brain can still hardly believe that I have been off work for so long and that I don't have to go back until February. With appointments, playgroups, meeting up with friends, and everything else that normal life and keeping up a household entails, time has really been flying by.
I truly cherish being able to rock my baby to sleep and nurse her whenever she needs it. Playtime and nap time and yes, I can even appreciate when she throws a tantrum because she now hates taking her medicine- because she is healthy enough to tantrum and we now know that her being upset probably isn't a trigger.
We have even found a babysitter that we have gotten to know gradually and had our first date night since my mom was here. It was a nice, brief time out for the first time and good for us.
All in all, it isn't easy living with the "what if" in the back of my head all the time, but I refuse to let Epilepsy scare me from having the most normal life possible for me and my family. Shrimpy deserves that, and so do we.
Friday, June 6, 2014
An undefined form of Epilepsy
First, I'd like to apologize for the radio silence. As you can tell from the title, a lot has been going on. This is bound to be a long post, although it surely won't cover everything....I've been writing and re-writing this for weeks, so we will see what direction my writing takes me and then I would like to keep up with my posting.
Please be warned- I will be talking about what Epilepsy can look like, and if you are sensitive to hearing about children being really sick, please avoid the area surrounded in *****. It is important to me to "tell you like it is", but it isn't easy to write, and for most, it won't be easy to read.
On April 4th, not long after my last post, Shrimpy's seizures came back. Her EEG the week before had been completely normal, so we decided, together with her doctors, to start (very gradually) weaning her off of the barbiturate. The first seizure was "just" focal- so just her face and mouth. I heard the sound her mouth makes when she seizes- a sort of clicking sound with her tongue, and I was instantly ripped out of my sleep. I took her out of her bassinet right next to the bed and held her and talked to her, while filming it for the doctors. Since it was a focal seizure, she was herself again afterwards- so I gave her her medicine as planned and tried calling the doctor. Unfortunately, it was busy, and while I was trying to nurse her and call them, the had a generalized seizure- so her whole body, including her lungs. As I watched her lips turning blue, I figured "fuck it" and called German 911. While I spoke to the operator, it stopped, but I had them come anyway in order to drive us to the hospital.
**********************************************************************************
In the next two days, she had 7 seizures. They returned her medicine to its previous dosage, and for the next 4 days, she had no seizures and was able to nurse again relatively quickly. We went home and had one wonderful night as a family. The next morning, she had another, and we went back to the hospital, where they told us, as long as she didn't have another, that we could continue with our weekend. We had just arrived at a meet-up for the parents and children for the participants of our birthing preparation class when she had another. In the next 4 days, she had over 40 seizures, reaching a max of 15 in 24 hours. All lasted about 2 minutes, and all led to a bad oxygen saturation level. Some doctors wanted to see what her level would drop down to before administering oxygen- but Broom and I were not having any of that and always used the oxygen- because who the hell wants to test that?!?
Her personality was gone, her muscles had no tension, she was too weak to breastfeed, and could hardly stay awake. They took blood, and her face made the crying actions, but she couldn't fucking cry! She was basically in a coma- and it took her 45 minutes to drink a bottle. It was horrible, and we began to worry if our Shrimpy would make a comeback.
**********************************************************************************
During our stay in the hospital, they completed a new round of tests, including an MRI. They discovered that the seizures begin focally and usually turn into a generalized seizure. Her heart, brain, and kidneys (she has 3- because she is cool like that), all show no signs of damage. Her metabolism tests show no signs of a disorder, and the genetic testing for benign infant seizures showed an abnormality on one of the genes, but both tested negative.
Diagnosis- undefined Epileptic seizures.
Not entirely unexpected, and it could totally be worse- but still shit in a lot of ways. But, we are dealing- and her meds are good at the moment. Currently, her last seizure was on the 17th of April. Next week, we will begin working with the doctors to gradually reduce one of her 3 meds- because 3 is a lot for a 4.5 month old.
I am scared shitless, but I know it is the right thing.
From all of this, I can tell you that I know the following without a doubt:
- Shrimpy is SO incredibly strong- she and I got our nursing back on track really quickly, and she is ahead developmentally ahead at this point- something I am super proud of.
- Broom and I are a solid unit- if anything, this has made us even stronger.
- Modern medicine, the health care system, and parental leave program in Germany enables us to have time to deal with this as a family.
- Relatively speaking, if Shrimpy "has" to have an illness, at least hers is a common one, controllable with medication. She can have a normal life, and can develop normally, too.
So, friends of the internet- I think that that is enough for now. I will try and follow up more regularly, especially since I have a lot to say on the subject of Epilepsy and everything else that is going on, so I hope that I can find time to write again soon.
Take care of yourselves!
Please be warned- I will be talking about what Epilepsy can look like, and if you are sensitive to hearing about children being really sick, please avoid the area surrounded in *****. It is important to me to "tell you like it is", but it isn't easy to write, and for most, it won't be easy to read.
On April 4th, not long after my last post, Shrimpy's seizures came back. Her EEG the week before had been completely normal, so we decided, together with her doctors, to start (very gradually) weaning her off of the barbiturate. The first seizure was "just" focal- so just her face and mouth. I heard the sound her mouth makes when she seizes- a sort of clicking sound with her tongue, and I was instantly ripped out of my sleep. I took her out of her bassinet right next to the bed and held her and talked to her, while filming it for the doctors. Since it was a focal seizure, she was herself again afterwards- so I gave her her medicine as planned and tried calling the doctor. Unfortunately, it was busy, and while I was trying to nurse her and call them, the had a generalized seizure- so her whole body, including her lungs. As I watched her lips turning blue, I figured "fuck it" and called German 911. While I spoke to the operator, it stopped, but I had them come anyway in order to drive us to the hospital.
**********************************************************************************
In the next two days, she had 7 seizures. They returned her medicine to its previous dosage, and for the next 4 days, she had no seizures and was able to nurse again relatively quickly. We went home and had one wonderful night as a family. The next morning, she had another, and we went back to the hospital, where they told us, as long as she didn't have another, that we could continue with our weekend. We had just arrived at a meet-up for the parents and children for the participants of our birthing preparation class when she had another. In the next 4 days, she had over 40 seizures, reaching a max of 15 in 24 hours. All lasted about 2 minutes, and all led to a bad oxygen saturation level. Some doctors wanted to see what her level would drop down to before administering oxygen- but Broom and I were not having any of that and always used the oxygen- because who the hell wants to test that?!?
Her personality was gone, her muscles had no tension, she was too weak to breastfeed, and could hardly stay awake. They took blood, and her face made the crying actions, but she couldn't fucking cry! She was basically in a coma- and it took her 45 minutes to drink a bottle. It was horrible, and we began to worry if our Shrimpy would make a comeback.
**********************************************************************************
During our stay in the hospital, they completed a new round of tests, including an MRI. They discovered that the seizures begin focally and usually turn into a generalized seizure. Her heart, brain, and kidneys (she has 3- because she is cool like that), all show no signs of damage. Her metabolism tests show no signs of a disorder, and the genetic testing for benign infant seizures showed an abnormality on one of the genes, but both tested negative.
Diagnosis- undefined Epileptic seizures.
Not entirely unexpected, and it could totally be worse- but still shit in a lot of ways. But, we are dealing- and her meds are good at the moment. Currently, her last seizure was on the 17th of April. Next week, we will begin working with the doctors to gradually reduce one of her 3 meds- because 3 is a lot for a 4.5 month old.
I am scared shitless, but I know it is the right thing.
From all of this, I can tell you that I know the following without a doubt:
- Shrimpy is SO incredibly strong- she and I got our nursing back on track really quickly, and she is ahead developmentally ahead at this point- something I am super proud of.
- Broom and I are a solid unit- if anything, this has made us even stronger.
- Modern medicine, the health care system, and parental leave program in Germany enables us to have time to deal with this as a family.
- Relatively speaking, if Shrimpy "has" to have an illness, at least hers is a common one, controllable with medication. She can have a normal life, and can develop normally, too.
So, friends of the internet- I think that that is enough for now. I will try and follow up more regularly, especially since I have a lot to say on the subject of Epilepsy and everything else that is going on, so I hope that I can find time to write again soon.
Take care of yourselves!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Two Weeks in the NICU
Now that Shrimpy is a little over one month old, gaining weight consistently (4000 grams last week!), screaming at her sneezes, grunting at her hiccups, vocalizing and catching our eyes with hers- our stay in the NICU seems so long ago!
It all started in the middle of the night on Sunday the 19th. I was holding her in bed, trying to get her to calm down from crying to feed, when she seemed to have a fit, getting quite upset (it seemed to me), and then falling asleep. Exhausted, I decided to try later and put her in her co-sleeper and slept myself. Surprisingly, she didn't wake up again, and we changed her diaper when we woke up at 8, where she had another fit, then fell into a deep sleep. Broom and I found it odd, but had no idea what was going on, and knew the midwife was going to visit us at 10. While we waited, Shrimpy was too tired to nurse.
When the midwife arrived and I told her about Shrimpy's refusal to nurse (and she had been such a vacuum suction-feeder prior!), she looked concerned and said that she couldn't go that long without eating- and we explained that we couldn't get her to feed. While the midwife was holding her, she had another fit- after which she told us she was going to call the hospital to tell them that we were coming and that she was also writing the admissions desk a letter about her observations- all the while staying quite calm but making clear that we needed to leave immediately.
The 5 minute drive was hell- Broom drove well, though- considering this was her 2nd nerve-wracking drive in a few days, just a week after getting her license. The admissions desk was nice though, getting us into a room really quickly, despite the fact that that nurse was incompetent- failing to realize that we had no clue what was going on, and talking a mile a minute about other things, like weighing Shrimpy daily, taking her temperature and such- and we had no idea whether or not we would be staying! The doctor on call that day was also weird, coming in and picking up Shrimpy without talking to us or introducing herself. Once I realized that she was getting ready to leave the room with her I stopped her with "Excuse me- the nurse said that the doctor would be coming in to examine her?!?". To which she replied "Oh, yes, that's me, I guess I should have introduced myself."
That shift failed to ask us what we saw and why we were there, but did hook her up to sensors measuring her breathing, heart, and oxygen saturation and putting in an IV to rehydrate her. After several requests, I was shown where I could pump, since I wanted to get my milk coming in as soon as possible. Only after we asked did they ask if we were ok giving her formula until my milk came in- of course, giving her anything I could pump first.
During the first shift, she had a few episodes, during which we rang the incompetent nurse- but no one seemed to believe us! Unfortunately, at night, Shrimpy had an episode every hour- and I rang the nurses every time, even though doubt was still there- but eventually, the nurses saw an episode and decided to wake the weird doctor, and explained that it was seizures. At that point, the doctor finally decided to check for head trauma, which came back clear.
In the morning, (Shrimpy had been seizing all night on a regular basis), she had another seizure right when the doctor's had started their rounds- including the head doctors. Luckily, all 7 of them were able to see her have a seizure, and they ordered that she be given meds via IV to stop them. The meds made her even more lethargic, but gave her peace.
In the coming days, a multitude of tests were run to see what could be causing all of this. As a precaution, she received antibiotics since some of the lab work took a while to get back. Each and every test came back negative, and we tried to get as much skin-to-skin time as possible, learning to navigate all of the wires and her incubator like experts. With time, the medical team (who was excellent, with the exception of the team working when we were admitted) came to the conclusion (which could only be made by the process of elimination) that she was having benign infant seizures. My mom did research for me while we were there, and discovered that there are several women in our family that have had the same thing.
They switched Shrimpy to a less harsh drug, even though I still had to wake her to feed- mostly from the bottle, as she didn't have enough energy to feed from the breast. Luckily, my milk came in on Tuesday the 21st, and I had her exclusively on breast milk by Thursday. In that week, they even put us in a normal ward for an evening- but Shrimpy had mild seizures all night that night, and a few where she couldn't breathe. Her longest seizure yet, which happened after a nice bath and feeding from the breast, was one where she turned blue around the mouth, causing me to start screaming like a banshee (something along the lines of "get my baby some fucking oxygen!!!"). Broom took her from me (we always tried to hold or at least touch her during her seizures as a comfort measure) and screamed back at me to get me to calm down.
At that point, we were promptly re-admitted to the NICU, where they spent the next few days trying to get her meds right. Luckily, after being re-admitted to the NICU, she only had 2 more seizures where her breathing was an issue. Two meds, administered twice a day turned out to be the right combination for her. Her last seizure was the 26th, and within a week of them keeping her meds steady, she developed a regular wake/sleep pattern, although we still keep an eye on her.
After being home a week, the midwife and I worked on getting me off of the medical grade breast pump (I had too much milk) and purely using Shrimpy's cues- and it worked! In about a month, she has another EEG to see if her brain is still seizing. If not, then we will wean her off of her medication. A week after that, she has an echo cardiogram to see if the normal, newborn "heart hole" that hadn't closed for her yet (the midwife said that she has seen this with babies who have been under stress) is now closed.
Her two weeks in the NICU were some of the hardest of my life- and I don't think I have ever cried that much- ever. Watching her small body be in so much pain (after some of the seizures, she would whimper- talk about breaking your heart!) and not be able to do anything about it was extremely difficult. I would have gladly switched places with her ten times over- but we couldn't. She is such a strong girl! And Broom and I were thrown into the deep end of the parenting pool- and realized, that if we could do this, we were gonna be fine. Our relationship seems to have grown even deeper through that family trauma, and we were able to alternate who was the strong one, while keeping our spirits up when we could. We kept an eye on one another, and after I had spent 4 nights in the hospital with Shrimpy, Broom convinced me that we needed to alternate so that I didn't lose my shit. It was a good call.
Despite everything, I am grateful for the following: that, if our little girl has to have a sickness, that it is one that doesn't leave any damage (and if it does turn out to be epilepsy, that is manageable, too!), for a health care system that is excellent (all of her care is at no cost to us), for a relationship as strong as ours, and for family and friends the world over! We asked for positive thoughts and prayers and wow- were they given. I really, truly believe that they helped, and am so glad that we all got showered with that positivity. Our Shrimpy has quite the fan club- as she should, since she is incredibly adorable!
Once this is even more behind us, I will be even more at ease- but it is pretty neat how my brain has been able to regularly forget and not worry all the time- even though we both keep a close eye on her.
All in all, we are a very lucky family.
It all started in the middle of the night on Sunday the 19th. I was holding her in bed, trying to get her to calm down from crying to feed, when she seemed to have a fit, getting quite upset (it seemed to me), and then falling asleep. Exhausted, I decided to try later and put her in her co-sleeper and slept myself. Surprisingly, she didn't wake up again, and we changed her diaper when we woke up at 8, where she had another fit, then fell into a deep sleep. Broom and I found it odd, but had no idea what was going on, and knew the midwife was going to visit us at 10. While we waited, Shrimpy was too tired to nurse.
When the midwife arrived and I told her about Shrimpy's refusal to nurse (and she had been such a vacuum suction-feeder prior!), she looked concerned and said that she couldn't go that long without eating- and we explained that we couldn't get her to feed. While the midwife was holding her, she had another fit- after which she told us she was going to call the hospital to tell them that we were coming and that she was also writing the admissions desk a letter about her observations- all the while staying quite calm but making clear that we needed to leave immediately.
The 5 minute drive was hell- Broom drove well, though- considering this was her 2nd nerve-wracking drive in a few days, just a week after getting her license. The admissions desk was nice though, getting us into a room really quickly, despite the fact that that nurse was incompetent- failing to realize that we had no clue what was going on, and talking a mile a minute about other things, like weighing Shrimpy daily, taking her temperature and such- and we had no idea whether or not we would be staying! The doctor on call that day was also weird, coming in and picking up Shrimpy without talking to us or introducing herself. Once I realized that she was getting ready to leave the room with her I stopped her with "Excuse me- the nurse said that the doctor would be coming in to examine her?!?". To which she replied "Oh, yes, that's me, I guess I should have introduced myself."
That shift failed to ask us what we saw and why we were there, but did hook her up to sensors measuring her breathing, heart, and oxygen saturation and putting in an IV to rehydrate her. After several requests, I was shown where I could pump, since I wanted to get my milk coming in as soon as possible. Only after we asked did they ask if we were ok giving her formula until my milk came in- of course, giving her anything I could pump first.
During the first shift, she had a few episodes, during which we rang the incompetent nurse- but no one seemed to believe us! Unfortunately, at night, Shrimpy had an episode every hour- and I rang the nurses every time, even though doubt was still there- but eventually, the nurses saw an episode and decided to wake the weird doctor, and explained that it was seizures. At that point, the doctor finally decided to check for head trauma, which came back clear.
In the morning, (Shrimpy had been seizing all night on a regular basis), she had another seizure right when the doctor's had started their rounds- including the head doctors. Luckily, all 7 of them were able to see her have a seizure, and they ordered that she be given meds via IV to stop them. The meds made her even more lethargic, but gave her peace.
In the coming days, a multitude of tests were run to see what could be causing all of this. As a precaution, she received antibiotics since some of the lab work took a while to get back. Each and every test came back negative, and we tried to get as much skin-to-skin time as possible, learning to navigate all of the wires and her incubator like experts. With time, the medical team (who was excellent, with the exception of the team working when we were admitted) came to the conclusion (which could only be made by the process of elimination) that she was having benign infant seizures. My mom did research for me while we were there, and discovered that there are several women in our family that have had the same thing.
They switched Shrimpy to a less harsh drug, even though I still had to wake her to feed- mostly from the bottle, as she didn't have enough energy to feed from the breast. Luckily, my milk came in on Tuesday the 21st, and I had her exclusively on breast milk by Thursday. In that week, they even put us in a normal ward for an evening- but Shrimpy had mild seizures all night that night, and a few where she couldn't breathe. Her longest seizure yet, which happened after a nice bath and feeding from the breast, was one where she turned blue around the mouth, causing me to start screaming like a banshee (something along the lines of "get my baby some fucking oxygen!!!"). Broom took her from me (we always tried to hold or at least touch her during her seizures as a comfort measure) and screamed back at me to get me to calm down.
At that point, we were promptly re-admitted to the NICU, where they spent the next few days trying to get her meds right. Luckily, after being re-admitted to the NICU, she only had 2 more seizures where her breathing was an issue. Two meds, administered twice a day turned out to be the right combination for her. Her last seizure was the 26th, and within a week of them keeping her meds steady, she developed a regular wake/sleep pattern, although we still keep an eye on her.
After being home a week, the midwife and I worked on getting me off of the medical grade breast pump (I had too much milk) and purely using Shrimpy's cues- and it worked! In about a month, she has another EEG to see if her brain is still seizing. If not, then we will wean her off of her medication. A week after that, she has an echo cardiogram to see if the normal, newborn "heart hole" that hadn't closed for her yet (the midwife said that she has seen this with babies who have been under stress) is now closed.
Her two weeks in the NICU were some of the hardest of my life- and I don't think I have ever cried that much- ever. Watching her small body be in so much pain (after some of the seizures, she would whimper- talk about breaking your heart!) and not be able to do anything about it was extremely difficult. I would have gladly switched places with her ten times over- but we couldn't. She is such a strong girl! And Broom and I were thrown into the deep end of the parenting pool- and realized, that if we could do this, we were gonna be fine. Our relationship seems to have grown even deeper through that family trauma, and we were able to alternate who was the strong one, while keeping our spirits up when we could. We kept an eye on one another, and after I had spent 4 nights in the hospital with Shrimpy, Broom convinced me that we needed to alternate so that I didn't lose my shit. It was a good call.
Despite everything, I am grateful for the following: that, if our little girl has to have a sickness, that it is one that doesn't leave any damage (and if it does turn out to be epilepsy, that is manageable, too!), for a health care system that is excellent (all of her care is at no cost to us), for a relationship as strong as ours, and for family and friends the world over! We asked for positive thoughts and prayers and wow- were they given. I really, truly believe that they helped, and am so glad that we all got showered with that positivity. Our Shrimpy has quite the fan club- as she should, since she is incredibly adorable!
Once this is even more behind us, I will be even more at ease- but it is pretty neat how my brain has been able to regularly forget and not worry all the time- even though we both keep a close eye on her.
All in all, we are a very lucky family.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Patience and trust
We made it to 39 weeks! And it seems just like yesterday that I got that positive on the digital pregnancy test...
Now the hard part is trusting that my body and my baby know exactly what they are doing. I've had a constant, deep back pain for over 2 weeks now, and prodromal labor about every other day since the 30th. I wondered if I would be grateful that my period cramps were always so bad, and I really am! What good training.
Most of the prodromal contractions are manageable, and when I have them, about 5-10 a day are such that I have to breathe through them or that they wake me up. They can drive you a little crazy, leading you to wonder "Is this real? This is more than the Braxton-Hicks contractions, but they aren't consistent! Am I dreaming this?". Once so far I have cried about it, since I get excited that labor could be starting, and then it goes away after awhile.
Whatever they are, it involves my back and abdomen and wrap all the way around. I am grateful that I am able to either get a fair amount of sleep at night or take epic naps during the day. The full surrender to this process that this requires and trusting the knowledge that my baby and body have is certainly a test of patience (not entirely dissimilar to the conception process).
One thing that I keep trying to tell myself is that these contractions aren't "for nothing". Shrimpy is gradually getting even more into starting position and I am surely effacing more and more. I've had bloody show and seen parts of my mucous plug, and I somehow managed to glimpse the first few drops of colostrum while changing. When I think about it, it is great that things are getting along gradually without me being too uncomfortable. A part of me isn't even that surprised, considering everything that it took for us to get here and the enjoyment that I've had growing this child. Emotionally and physically it is for sure the best route for us if labor isn't over too quickly.
So, I am embracing this gradual separation process and am giving myself over to the process of Shrimpy and I becoming separate entities. The inner knowledge and strength that my body has already exhibited confirms many things for me, and that is an amazingly wonderful and womanly experience for me!
Now the hard part is trusting that my body and my baby know exactly what they are doing. I've had a constant, deep back pain for over 2 weeks now, and prodromal labor about every other day since the 30th. I wondered if I would be grateful that my period cramps were always so bad, and I really am! What good training.
Most of the prodromal contractions are manageable, and when I have them, about 5-10 a day are such that I have to breathe through them or that they wake me up. They can drive you a little crazy, leading you to wonder "Is this real? This is more than the Braxton-Hicks contractions, but they aren't consistent! Am I dreaming this?". Once so far I have cried about it, since I get excited that labor could be starting, and then it goes away after awhile.
Whatever they are, it involves my back and abdomen and wrap all the way around. I am grateful that I am able to either get a fair amount of sleep at night or take epic naps during the day. The full surrender to this process that this requires and trusting the knowledge that my baby and body have is certainly a test of patience (not entirely dissimilar to the conception process).
One thing that I keep trying to tell myself is that these contractions aren't "for nothing". Shrimpy is gradually getting even more into starting position and I am surely effacing more and more. I've had bloody show and seen parts of my mucous plug, and I somehow managed to glimpse the first few drops of colostrum while changing. When I think about it, it is great that things are getting along gradually without me being too uncomfortable. A part of me isn't even that surprised, considering everything that it took for us to get here and the enjoyment that I've had growing this child. Emotionally and physically it is for sure the best route for us if labor isn't over too quickly.
So, I am embracing this gradual separation process and am giving myself over to the process of Shrimpy and I becoming separate entities. The inner knowledge and strength that my body has already exhibited confirms many things for me, and that is an amazingly wonderful and womanly experience for me!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
And then I had my last day at work for a year...
...Germany has a lot of interesting programs, including awesome parental leave. I saved two weeks of my (cough, 30 days) of vacation to take before the almost mandatory off-time for moms 6 weeks before the due date, and 8 weeks after. After this time ends, there is a somewhat-complicated program where the parents can take time off. I am taking 12 months, and Broom is taking 2. We still get between 65 and 67% of our previous salaries, which makes this feasible. Exciting and weird to be off for so long, although I am proud to say that I didn't have a problem leaving work behind.
The first week off, I had doctor's appointments and then we went away to the Baltic Sea for 4 nights, which was loverly. Daily walks on the beach and bubble baths were just the thing! I do notice though, that baby is in "start" position with his or her head already quite low in my pelvis. The daily movement has been good though.
Currently, I am working on sewing cloth baby wipes and burp cloths (my MIL is dating a laundromat owner, so we had waaay too many towels, so I cut them up based on our needs and am just finishing the edges). Other projects I want to do are: a blanket / duvet for the stroller, a collage out of cloth for Shrimpy's room, and a cover for the changing table extender we are making.
Feeling like things are coming together, but will feel better once everything is as in order as it can be (including the mountains of paperwork we are going to have to do since we don't have all rights and the whole bi national issue, *sigh*).
From the health perspective, it looks like the gestational diabetes thing really was just a fluke. I still have to test sporadically for the next 2-3 weeks, but everything has been fine. My gyno thought I might have a UTI, but didn't say anything since I brought in morning urine, so I would guess that things are fine there. She just said last time that she wants to use the fetal heartbeat monitor every two weeks starting next week, and I was too much in a tizzy to ask why, so I am going to do so and am thinking of declining since baby doesn't like being monitored. Also, she now seems worried about the polyp-y thing on my cervix, although she already said it shouldn't pose any problems for birth. She talked about sending me to a specialist/asking a colleague for advice.
Needless to say, this was one of those visits where I got overwhelmed and didn't ask enough questions here, so I wrote them down for next time. As far as I am concerned, as long as my cervix can still open, I am still planning to go to the birthing house (and the midwives are super-calm). If she is concerned about it being cancerous, then she should swab it for testing, and we can deal with the results after Shrimpy is here if we have to. I told my mom about me being a little worried that that was what she was getting at, and she waved it away (surprise!), so we will see.
I will probably run everything past my midwife before my gyno appointment and go from there.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating tomorrow!
The first week off, I had doctor's appointments and then we went away to the Baltic Sea for 4 nights, which was loverly. Daily walks on the beach and bubble baths were just the thing! I do notice though, that baby is in "start" position with his or her head already quite low in my pelvis. The daily movement has been good though.
Currently, I am working on sewing cloth baby wipes and burp cloths (my MIL is dating a laundromat owner, so we had waaay too many towels, so I cut them up based on our needs and am just finishing the edges). Other projects I want to do are: a blanket / duvet for the stroller, a collage out of cloth for Shrimpy's room, and a cover for the changing table extender we are making.
Feeling like things are coming together, but will feel better once everything is as in order as it can be (including the mountains of paperwork we are going to have to do since we don't have all rights and the whole bi national issue, *sigh*).
From the health perspective, it looks like the gestational diabetes thing really was just a fluke. I still have to test sporadically for the next 2-3 weeks, but everything has been fine. My gyno thought I might have a UTI, but didn't say anything since I brought in morning urine, so I would guess that things are fine there. She just said last time that she wants to use the fetal heartbeat monitor every two weeks starting next week, and I was too much in a tizzy to ask why, so I am going to do so and am thinking of declining since baby doesn't like being monitored. Also, she now seems worried about the polyp-y thing on my cervix, although she already said it shouldn't pose any problems for birth. She talked about sending me to a specialist/asking a colleague for advice.
Needless to say, this was one of those visits where I got overwhelmed and didn't ask enough questions here, so I wrote them down for next time. As far as I am concerned, as long as my cervix can still open, I am still planning to go to the birthing house (and the midwives are super-calm). If she is concerned about it being cancerous, then she should swab it for testing, and we can deal with the results after Shrimpy is here if we have to. I told my mom about me being a little worried that that was what she was getting at, and she waved it away (surprise!), so we will see.
I will probably run everything past my midwife before my gyno appointment and go from there.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Could be worse, could be better
Things are shaping up in Shrimpy's room, and once we buy a mattress and a car seat/stroller combo, we will have everything on our "must have" list of items! Sure, there is plenty that I would like to have by the time baby is here, but once these "musts" are out of the way, I think I will breathe much easier.
Last weekend, Broom's brother and nephew were here and helped by installing and securing everything that we had in that regard, and it was really nice to get so much done in such a short amount of time even though I was really exhausted for 2 days afterwards. Their generosity and how quickly they did everthing is amazing and wonderful!
On the health front, my first diabetes test was messed up by the lab, which meant I had to do another one. The 2nd one was positive, so I had to do a follow-up test that is longer and involved me looking like an addict afterwards since the incredibly nice nurse had trouble finding my veins. The last of the 3 blood draws that they did ended up being positive, so now, I am automatically labeled as a gestational diabetic.
The midwife didn't seem that concerned when I told her that the first one was positive, so I didn't think to ask what would happen if the 2nd one was positive. My gyno said that it is standard that gestational diabetics give birth in a clinic, although she didn't say it wasn't allowed. At our ultrasound today, Shrimpy was completely healthy and everything was normal- nothing was bigger, which is a common side effect. I am getting sent to an organ scan to make sure that the baby isn't under stress, so I am hoping that between that and the fact that since I got the glucometer yesterday that everything has been normal with my sugar, that my gyno and midwife will let me have the baby outside of the hospital in the birthing house.
I know that only time will tell, and that the main goal here is for me and the baby to be healthy, but I would prefer to have the baby in the birthing house if it is ok from a health perspective. Once I have a week of OK values, I am hoping that I am off the hook. The test itself I find to be a bit one-sided since the diabetes doctor said that 1 high number could have been from stress.
Today, I also brought up that I have had spotting 3 times since Friday, and 2 of those times were not combined with any strenuous activity whatsoever. It turns out the irritated spot on my cervix that I had has grown considerably and it causing occasional bleeding. For the next 11 days, I will take 2 different types of vaginal suppositories (one to calm it down, followed by one to improve the flora and fauna) to hopefully clear it up and then we will see. Once I am through with the suppositories, I am supposed to call if I have any bleeding.
Due to me cutting out all extra sugar, I have also lost some weight, but baby is a great size, that is good!
We will see how things develop, and if I get the whole pricking my finger down so that it works (with enough blood for the sensor) every time. I will do whatever I have to do for this little one, but I am sure hoping for my desired way of giving birth- but only time will tell- baby is calling all of the shots!
I am still doing well in trusting my body and my baby as well as not taking this whole being able to have a baby thing for granted, which is helping me a lot.
Last weekend, Broom's brother and nephew were here and helped by installing and securing everything that we had in that regard, and it was really nice to get so much done in such a short amount of time even though I was really exhausted for 2 days afterwards. Their generosity and how quickly they did everthing is amazing and wonderful!
On the health front, my first diabetes test was messed up by the lab, which meant I had to do another one. The 2nd one was positive, so I had to do a follow-up test that is longer and involved me looking like an addict afterwards since the incredibly nice nurse had trouble finding my veins. The last of the 3 blood draws that they did ended up being positive, so now, I am automatically labeled as a gestational diabetic.
The midwife didn't seem that concerned when I told her that the first one was positive, so I didn't think to ask what would happen if the 2nd one was positive. My gyno said that it is standard that gestational diabetics give birth in a clinic, although she didn't say it wasn't allowed. At our ultrasound today, Shrimpy was completely healthy and everything was normal- nothing was bigger, which is a common side effect. I am getting sent to an organ scan to make sure that the baby isn't under stress, so I am hoping that between that and the fact that since I got the glucometer yesterday that everything has been normal with my sugar, that my gyno and midwife will let me have the baby outside of the hospital in the birthing house.
I know that only time will tell, and that the main goal here is for me and the baby to be healthy, but I would prefer to have the baby in the birthing house if it is ok from a health perspective. Once I have a week of OK values, I am hoping that I am off the hook. The test itself I find to be a bit one-sided since the diabetes doctor said that 1 high number could have been from stress.
Today, I also brought up that I have had spotting 3 times since Friday, and 2 of those times were not combined with any strenuous activity whatsoever. It turns out the irritated spot on my cervix that I had has grown considerably and it causing occasional bleeding. For the next 11 days, I will take 2 different types of vaginal suppositories (one to calm it down, followed by one to improve the flora and fauna) to hopefully clear it up and then we will see. Once I am through with the suppositories, I am supposed to call if I have any bleeding.
Due to me cutting out all extra sugar, I have also lost some weight, but baby is a great size, that is good!
We will see how things develop, and if I get the whole pricking my finger down so that it works (with enough blood for the sensor) every time. I will do whatever I have to do for this little one, but I am sure hoping for my desired way of giving birth- but only time will tell- baby is calling all of the shots!
I am still doing well in trusting my body and my baby as well as not taking this whole being able to have a baby thing for granted, which is helping me a lot.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Tempus Fugit
I am so thoroughly in the moment and enjoying being pregnant, that every time I think of blogging, I think that it hasn't been "that long" and then I see that another month has flown by.
Sure, there are some moments that aren't as enjoyable as others, but of course I am going to be uncomfortable sometimes- I am growing a person who I am carrying around in my womb. I have been trying to walk a fair amount, do prenatal videos from YouTube, and go to the gym to help with stiffness, etc. that is bound to only get worse :)
It can be hard to get motivated (and I haven't been denying myself naps, either), but once I do, I know it is what I needed.
On the preparation front, my sister and sister and law are organizing an alternative American baby shower. Since shipping costs and custom fees would make gift giving more difficult and possibly quite expensive for all, we are going to do a Facebook group with a limited Amazon Baby Registry (things where we would be glad to pay the customs fees- mostly cloth diapering supplies- since some brands are just really hard to get here) for those who would like to send a gift, and otherwise encourage people to give my mom a check for my American bank account. That money will offset what I wire monthly for my school loans and enable us to buy things for Shrimpy. In the group I can post pictures of what we have purchased and "attendees" can guess when Shrimpy will come, gender, size, weight, etc. and winners will get a gift in the mail.
I know that such a baby shower isn't common here, but my family really wants to do one, and I am really lucky and grateful for that! This month, we will be organizing things for my brother in law to help us install- anchors for book shelves, mounting a mirror that we had just leaned in the hallway, shelves for some plants in the living room, etc.
Sometimes, I have to fight the instinctual urge to "have it all done, right now!", but rationally (which I haven't been all the time- but luckily, my mood swings have just been mostly weepy-fits), I know we have time.
I just can't wait to have everything ready, then I can spend the time that I am off work before the baby is born to make the finishing touches and to step up my meditation. I feel pretty zen about my mental preparation for labor, and feel like we have excellent care. As long as everything goes normally, I will be giving birth in a cozy apartment set up just for labor with women I respect and trust. Our relationships are building with each appointment, and I am confident that our baby and my body know exactly what to do and the fact that our midwives trust that as well is part of the reason we chose to have an out-of-hospital birth.
Less than a month and a half before maternity leave starts!
Sure, there are some moments that aren't as enjoyable as others, but of course I am going to be uncomfortable sometimes- I am growing a person who I am carrying around in my womb. I have been trying to walk a fair amount, do prenatal videos from YouTube, and go to the gym to help with stiffness, etc. that is bound to only get worse :)
It can be hard to get motivated (and I haven't been denying myself naps, either), but once I do, I know it is what I needed.
On the preparation front, my sister and sister and law are organizing an alternative American baby shower. Since shipping costs and custom fees would make gift giving more difficult and possibly quite expensive for all, we are going to do a Facebook group with a limited Amazon Baby Registry (things where we would be glad to pay the customs fees- mostly cloth diapering supplies- since some brands are just really hard to get here) for those who would like to send a gift, and otherwise encourage people to give my mom a check for my American bank account. That money will offset what I wire monthly for my school loans and enable us to buy things for Shrimpy. In the group I can post pictures of what we have purchased and "attendees" can guess when Shrimpy will come, gender, size, weight, etc. and winners will get a gift in the mail.
I know that such a baby shower isn't common here, but my family really wants to do one, and I am really lucky and grateful for that! This month, we will be organizing things for my brother in law to help us install- anchors for book shelves, mounting a mirror that we had just leaned in the hallway, shelves for some plants in the living room, etc.
Sometimes, I have to fight the instinctual urge to "have it all done, right now!", but rationally (which I haven't been all the time- but luckily, my mood swings have just been mostly weepy-fits), I know we have time.
I just can't wait to have everything ready, then I can spend the time that I am off work before the baby is born to make the finishing touches and to step up my meditation. I feel pretty zen about my mental preparation for labor, and feel like we have excellent care. As long as everything goes normally, I will be giving birth in a cozy apartment set up just for labor with women I respect and trust. Our relationships are building with each appointment, and I am confident that our baby and my body know exactly what to do and the fact that our midwives trust that as well is part of the reason we chose to have an out-of-hospital birth.
Less than a month and a half before maternity leave starts!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
(Almost) Time to leave on a jet plane!
Well, Sunday is the day I go to the US for almost 4 weeks! Crazy!
I am starting out in Chicago for a 1-week training, then we are visiting Toronto to see if we would like living there, and then I am spending time with my family before another 4 days of business at the end. I am excited and scared, and hoping that I feel ok while I am gone and don't catch any bugs.
Luckily, all of my appointments have been going well! They reduced my thyroid meds, and our 1st official ultrasound (the one to confirm the pregnancy doesn't count) went perfectly!
The baby measured the right size, the heart was still beating strongly (we got to hear it over the dr.'s doppler), and since Shrimpy was sleeping- my dr. got him or her to wake up and move.
It was amazing to see those little arms and long legs flail and wave as he/she was surprised awake by the gentle pushes on my belly. I felt a little bad, waking our child up, but it was great to see the movement before he/she settled back down to a more comfortable looking sleeping position (head more or less level with the body rather than feet up in the air). The dr. could even recognize that the baby's digestive system is functioning based on the stomach, and at one point, we saw the brain, too. Completely amazing.
We couldn't be happier that we have reached the 2nd trimester and we are keeping everything crossed that things continue to go well!
Since things did go so well, we went ahead and told Broom's brothers (who, reacted ok- a little weirdly, but ok), as well as my big bosses at work. Apparently, based on the meeting invites, they thought I was going to quit and were freaking out. One was surprised, the other relieved. It is nice to have it out now, and we will begin looking for my replacement any day now.
It is still hitting Broom and I that having this baby means coming out to even more people, over and over again. At least, so far, reactions haven't been bad, and Broom's mom seems to be really excited now, which is a little scary and nice at the same time. Babies do sometimes make people easier to relate to, so we will see.
Now, off to see if I can figure out how to shimmy my legs into the really serious thigh-high compression stockings I bought...
I am starting out in Chicago for a 1-week training, then we are visiting Toronto to see if we would like living there, and then I am spending time with my family before another 4 days of business at the end. I am excited and scared, and hoping that I feel ok while I am gone and don't catch any bugs.
Luckily, all of my appointments have been going well! They reduced my thyroid meds, and our 1st official ultrasound (the one to confirm the pregnancy doesn't count) went perfectly!
The baby measured the right size, the heart was still beating strongly (we got to hear it over the dr.'s doppler), and since Shrimpy was sleeping- my dr. got him or her to wake up and move.
It was amazing to see those little arms and long legs flail and wave as he/she was surprised awake by the gentle pushes on my belly. I felt a little bad, waking our child up, but it was great to see the movement before he/she settled back down to a more comfortable looking sleeping position (head more or less level with the body rather than feet up in the air). The dr. could even recognize that the baby's digestive system is functioning based on the stomach, and at one point, we saw the brain, too. Completely amazing.
We couldn't be happier that we have reached the 2nd trimester and we are keeping everything crossed that things continue to go well!
Since things did go so well, we went ahead and told Broom's brothers (who, reacted ok- a little weirdly, but ok), as well as my big bosses at work. Apparently, based on the meeting invites, they thought I was going to quit and were freaking out. One was surprised, the other relieved. It is nice to have it out now, and we will begin looking for my replacement any day now.
It is still hitting Broom and I that having this baby means coming out to even more people, over and over again. At least, so far, reactions haven't been bad, and Broom's mom seems to be really excited now, which is a little scary and nice at the same time. Babies do sometimes make people easier to relate to, so we will see.
Now, off to see if I can figure out how to shimmy my legs into the really serious thigh-high compression stockings I bought...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
One week
One week from today we will find out if everything is OK in my aquarium and if our Shrimp(s) are doing well, too. It can't come soon enough even though I know that we will have more to see next week since I will be 8 weeks. I've still only had what I consider to be mild symptoms, which had me a bit worried on Sunday. I expressed this worry aloud to Broom, and our Shrimp responded promptly with the worst wave of nausea I've had on Monday. It was, indeed, reassuring!
This week has also been one filled with mixed emotions (in pregnancy? shocker) due to news from friends. On the one hand, I was over the moon to hear that a good friend of mine is pregnant, too! On the other hand, friends of ours are unfortunately not pregnant anymore. I didn't ask at what week they lost their baby (we were on largely identical TTC paths and she was about 2 weeks ahead of me), but I see them tomorrow at the movies and will see if they feel like talking about it. It broke my heart, but they told me that they are dealing OK and want to try again to get pregnant with their 2nd. Sigh.
On a separate note, we are going away for a longer weekend for Broom's birthday!
Very exciting, although I am a little worried about flying to Spain :) We will see how it goes! At least I will be busy relaxing and won't have time to fret about the ultrasound. Just have to pick up my homeopathic remedy for travel sickness, as flying tends to make me sick sometimes, and I am only guessing that it might be more magnified this time.
This week has also been one filled with mixed emotions (in pregnancy? shocker) due to news from friends. On the one hand, I was over the moon to hear that a good friend of mine is pregnant, too! On the other hand, friends of ours are unfortunately not pregnant anymore. I didn't ask at what week they lost their baby (we were on largely identical TTC paths and she was about 2 weeks ahead of me), but I see them tomorrow at the movies and will see if they feel like talking about it. It broke my heart, but they told me that they are dealing OK and want to try again to get pregnant with their 2nd. Sigh.
On a separate note, we are going away for a longer weekend for Broom's birthday!
Very exciting, although I am a little worried about flying to Spain :) We will see how it goes! At least I will be busy relaxing and won't have time to fret about the ultrasound. Just have to pick up my homeopathic remedy for travel sickness, as flying tends to make me sick sometimes, and I am only guessing that it might be more magnified this time.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sinking in
Well, it is slowly sinking in that I am pregnant- although I think that it will only truly sink in once we have a baby in our arms. I know I will feel better after our first gyno appointment on June 5th, but I am enjoying the now the best I can (ironically- it is only at night that I toss and turn with worries that have time!). The symptoms that I have been really mild so far and I am feeling great: nausea when I get too hungry or smell stinky cheese, pulling in my hips, massive bloating (belly and breasts), mild fatigue and really thirsty.
When I think about all that I did in my last cycle, I am still amazed and happy that we found the moment/combination/winning lottery ticket that did the trick:
- daily castor oil packs for about 1.5 weeks prior to the insem
- self-oil massage
- EFT-tapping and alternate nostril breathing
- omega 3-6-9 oil, coconut oil, folic acid, iron, and magnesium
- pulsatilla 5 globules 1x/day (I am not sure if that is the proper English name) which is really fitting to my constitution
- meteoreisen for the first ~3 days after the insem after which I decided it would be better for my immune system be weaker (my homeopath recommended it) to let implantation take place. I got a stuffy nose and a scratchy throat right after- which I took to be a good sign.
- after-ovulation tea
- ear acupuncture
- laughed after the insem (I probably looked crazy) and went out dancing the weekend after too (until 4am, so much fun! but of course no drinking)
- since this was our last "hurrah" I took 50mg of Clomid from cycle days 5-9, triggered with hCG 2 days before the insem, and have been on 200mg of progesterone since (the clinic wanted 600mg and I thought I didn't need that much)
I couldn't find a good pineapple, so I skipped eating pineapple core, and, well, this is the first cycle ever that I haven't spotted. The other cycle that I tried progesterone supplements on I spotted on, so I tried not to get my hopes up based on that- but it turned out to be a good sign for me!
*Please stick, baby!*
When I think about all that I did in my last cycle, I am still amazed and happy that we found the moment/combination/winning lottery ticket that did the trick:
- daily castor oil packs for about 1.5 weeks prior to the insem
- self-oil massage
- EFT-tapping and alternate nostril breathing
- omega 3-6-9 oil, coconut oil, folic acid, iron, and magnesium
- pulsatilla 5 globules 1x/day (I am not sure if that is the proper English name) which is really fitting to my constitution
- meteoreisen for the first ~3 days after the insem after which I decided it would be better for my immune system be weaker (my homeopath recommended it) to let implantation take place. I got a stuffy nose and a scratchy throat right after- which I took to be a good sign.
- after-ovulation tea
- ear acupuncture
- laughed after the insem (I probably looked crazy) and went out dancing the weekend after too (until 4am, so much fun! but of course no drinking)
- since this was our last "hurrah" I took 50mg of Clomid from cycle days 5-9, triggered with hCG 2 days before the insem, and have been on 200mg of progesterone since (the clinic wanted 600mg and I thought I didn't need that much)
I couldn't find a good pineapple, so I skipped eating pineapple core, and, well, this is the first cycle ever that I haven't spotted. The other cycle that I tried progesterone supplements on I spotted on, so I tried not to get my hopes up based on that- but it turned out to be a good sign for me!
*Please stick, baby!*
Friday, May 10, 2013
Body image and baby making
I have come to the unscientific conclusion that Germany is more critical about body image and what many Germans consider to be fat. It is also not considered (as far as I can tell) incredibly rude to call someone fat or talk about someone's body. There is even a show on called "The fat guy".
As a result, anyone who falls out of the societal norm is often judged for their body shape.
Here, I have heard people refer to me as being large or any other "nicer" term for fat, and I have been mistaken for being pregnant at least a handful of times (well, those were the number of times they asked me or said something about it- but now they would be right, ha!).
During the course of this journey to conceive I have made a conscious decision not to concentrate on how much I weigh. Priority number one was and is getting/staying pregnant and staying healthy. I do weigh a "lot" for my height- even though I think that with the exception of my small belly and ginormous breasts (thanks, genetics!), that my frame is actually on the small side. I am an average height and very strong woman- lifting weights makes me feel powerful and good (and, well, pectoral muscles are important for these girls I've got) and seeing my leg, arm, and back muscles makes me feel sexy. I am healthy and happy.
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for unwanted comments once I start to show and am already giving myself pep talks about how amazing the whole process is here- because I've heard people- including coworkers call pregnant women fat. (And the person who said it is friends with the woman carrying twins! I told her that if she was my friend and talking about me like that that I would hate her and that she should have twins and see how she felt/looked. My mouth got away from me there...)
But no matter what anyone says, they can't make this process any less amazing- and I will surely feel free to give them a piece of my opinion when appropriate as well. Body image is such an important lesson that we are taught by our families, and our family will certainly have that as well as the obvious two moms thing to contend with. I have come to the firm conclusion that both areas require a strong pair of shoulders to hold your head up high, and I plan on leading by example.
Happy Friday!
As a result, anyone who falls out of the societal norm is often judged for their body shape.
Here, I have heard people refer to me as being large or any other "nicer" term for fat, and I have been mistaken for being pregnant at least a handful of times (well, those were the number of times they asked me or said something about it- but now they would be right, ha!).
During the course of this journey to conceive I have made a conscious decision not to concentrate on how much I weigh. Priority number one was and is getting/staying pregnant and staying healthy. I do weigh a "lot" for my height- even though I think that with the exception of my small belly and ginormous breasts (thanks, genetics!), that my frame is actually on the small side. I am an average height and very strong woman- lifting weights makes me feel powerful and good (and, well, pectoral muscles are important for these girls I've got) and seeing my leg, arm, and back muscles makes me feel sexy. I am healthy and happy.
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for unwanted comments once I start to show and am already giving myself pep talks about how amazing the whole process is here- because I've heard people- including coworkers call pregnant women fat. (And the person who said it is friends with the woman carrying twins! I told her that if she was my friend and talking about me like that that I would hate her and that she should have twins and see how she felt/looked. My mouth got away from me there...)
But no matter what anyone says, they can't make this process any less amazing- and I will surely feel free to give them a piece of my opinion when appropriate as well. Body image is such an important lesson that we are taught by our families, and our family will certainly have that as well as the obvious two moms thing to contend with. I have come to the firm conclusion that both areas require a strong pair of shoulders to hold your head up high, and I plan on leading by example.
Happy Friday!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
One week down, one week to go
A week ago tomorrow, we had what will probably be our last treatment at our existing clinic as well as our last IUI (at least on the IUI front for awhile). The visit was not spectacular, despite getting stuck in a traffic jam and my GPS stating that there were like 4 more coming up and that it would take another hour when I was 20 minutes away (I called the front desk at the clinic to let them know and they wanted to know when I would be there- I just wanted to scream- "It is a traffic jam! How the fuck should I know?" but I remained calm).
My ultrasound on Monday revealed great follicle growth and I had 2 that were 21mm and 1 that was 19mm (the 4th must have gone on vacation). That afternoon, I got a positive OPK, which isn't a bad sign for me, since I usually ovulate 2 days later. Nevertheless, I thought that this would be good information to tell the clinic, who acted like I had grown another head when I called- explaining that I was not sure if they change the protocol if you are having an LH surge on your own or not. Her (very comforting-ha!) words were "Well, we can never pinpoint ovulation 100%. But I guess I will tell the doctor that you called and we will call you if you shouldn't trigger tonight".
Soooo glad we are most likely not going back there!
After all of that, I stuck to my instructions and triggered with my hCG shot on Monday at 10pm and was there on time on Wednesday. The doctor (we got ours again) didn't seem as pushy with the IVF and I told him that if it didn't work, we would have to save up for awhile before moving forward. His "comforting" words were that he had another lesbian couple from our same city that got pregnant using IVF. When I asked him about progesterone (because I figure for the last try, why the hell not try it again?), he then told me to take 2 suppositories 3 times a day! Crazy, seeing how he doesn't have any recent blood work on me and his colleague had me take 2 suppositories at night.
Broom and I decided, that since my temperatures last time were so steady, that the dosage was fine with 2 a day as opposed to 6, and after confirming ovulation (which happened on the day I was there- woot!) had happened, I would ditch my thermometer. We don't know if I ovulated before I had the insem, or after, as I didn't have another ultrasound (fine by my book), but it didn't stop them from trying to bill me for it!
All in all, I am feeling good, oddly freed of the mismanagement and horrible treatment from our clinic. As I left, my long skirt and flowy top were swaying in the wind and I was humming, smiling, and giggling. I must have looked like a crazy woman- but I felt like we have reclaimed this process by making the decision to switch to somewhere that has service- and that feels good despite all of the sadness along the way.
It is my body, and we are deciding how it gets treated and by whom.
My ultrasound on Monday revealed great follicle growth and I had 2 that were 21mm and 1 that was 19mm (the 4th must have gone on vacation). That afternoon, I got a positive OPK, which isn't a bad sign for me, since I usually ovulate 2 days later. Nevertheless, I thought that this would be good information to tell the clinic, who acted like I had grown another head when I called- explaining that I was not sure if they change the protocol if you are having an LH surge on your own or not. Her (very comforting-ha!) words were "Well, we can never pinpoint ovulation 100%. But I guess I will tell the doctor that you called and we will call you if you shouldn't trigger tonight".
Soooo glad we are most likely not going back there!
After all of that, I stuck to my instructions and triggered with my hCG shot on Monday at 10pm and was there on time on Wednesday. The doctor (we got ours again) didn't seem as pushy with the IVF and I told him that if it didn't work, we would have to save up for awhile before moving forward. His "comforting" words were that he had another lesbian couple from our same city that got pregnant using IVF. When I asked him about progesterone (because I figure for the last try, why the hell not try it again?), he then told me to take 2 suppositories 3 times a day! Crazy, seeing how he doesn't have any recent blood work on me and his colleague had me take 2 suppositories at night.
Broom and I decided, that since my temperatures last time were so steady, that the dosage was fine with 2 a day as opposed to 6, and after confirming ovulation (which happened on the day I was there- woot!) had happened, I would ditch my thermometer. We don't know if I ovulated before I had the insem, or after, as I didn't have another ultrasound (fine by my book), but it didn't stop them from trying to bill me for it!
All in all, I am feeling good, oddly freed of the mismanagement and horrible treatment from our clinic. As I left, my long skirt and flowy top were swaying in the wind and I was humming, smiling, and giggling. I must have looked like a crazy woman- but I felt like we have reclaimed this process by making the decision to switch to somewhere that has service- and that feels good despite all of the sadness along the way.
It is my body, and we are deciding how it gets treated and by whom.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Last, but not least
On Friday, I got my follicles measured after being on clomid again from cycle days 5-9. My super-nice gyn said "Those look great! It has really got to work this time!" Turns out I reacted quite well and had 4 follicles, (2x 15mm, 1 14mm, 1 13mm). The clinic told me to go for another ultrasound on Monday and that I would likely have an insem on Wednesday.
Broom and I made the hard decision that this IUI will be our last due to frustrations with our clinic and the fact that the probability of us getting pregnant with IUI won't be going up with additional tries. We would rather put our money into IVF if this next try doesn't work due to the increased success rates.
It isn't easy setting such a limit for us, and I have to fight back the guilt and shame accompanied with it. Some days, it is easier than others- and I am trying not to get my hopes up too much for this next try. Luckily, I also know that my gyn is trying to support us the best she can and said it would be no problem to write me off sick for IVF.
Regardless of how the next try goes, we will most likely be dealing with at least an egg retrieval in our near-ish future, since Broom is seriously considering harvesting her eggs for use in me at some point. We are currently researching foreign clinics since egg donation isn't allowed in Germany. Only time will tell if they would even consider implanting the eggs into me (if we went this route, we would both harvest at the same time and use the same donor to make all of the embryos that we would use and freeze at once and possibly use a mixture of her and my eggs in one cycle).
If/when we start steps for that, we will probably have to take at least a 3 month break in order to save up for the process. It is a daunting sum of money, but I know it will all be worth it. Broom would like to save up longer- but waiting makes me uneasy since I feel like our dream is stagnant.
We will just have to see what the next few weeks bring.
Broom and I made the hard decision that this IUI will be our last due to frustrations with our clinic and the fact that the probability of us getting pregnant with IUI won't be going up with additional tries. We would rather put our money into IVF if this next try doesn't work due to the increased success rates.
It isn't easy setting such a limit for us, and I have to fight back the guilt and shame accompanied with it. Some days, it is easier than others- and I am trying not to get my hopes up too much for this next try. Luckily, I also know that my gyn is trying to support us the best she can and said it would be no problem to write me off sick for IVF.
Regardless of how the next try goes, we will most likely be dealing with at least an egg retrieval in our near-ish future, since Broom is seriously considering harvesting her eggs for use in me at some point. We are currently researching foreign clinics since egg donation isn't allowed in Germany. Only time will tell if they would even consider implanting the eggs into me (if we went this route, we would both harvest at the same time and use the same donor to make all of the embryos that we would use and freeze at once and possibly use a mixture of her and my eggs in one cycle).
If/when we start steps for that, we will probably have to take at least a 3 month break in order to save up for the process. It is a daunting sum of money, but I know it will all be worth it. Broom would like to save up longer- but waiting makes me uneasy since I feel like our dream is stagnant.
We will just have to see what the next few weeks bring.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Increasingly alternative
I couldn't exactly tell you when it started, but step by step ("nach und nach" just sounds so much better), I started to truly question everything I was putting in my body and how I can reduce how much trash I make. Undoubtedly, it is strongly connected to the fact that I am doing my damnedest to be as healthy as possible in order to get pregnant. I've purchased books (the last of which was really well written) that have really helped me slowly adapt a lifestyle that makes me feel good.
Now, for someone coming from a family of nurses and has a mother that in no way believes in homeopathic medicine and somehow always has a stash of meds for all ailments, it feels like unfamiliar territory. Sometimes, I am surprised how many steps I have taken, and am not sure how much further I will want to dive into a fully "crunchy" lifestyle. However, the biggest advantage about living more organically is that it can't hurt!
So far, I have started Biodanza (I am taking a break right now due to the financial strain of the fertility treatments), switched to full-fat, organic dairy, am buying as many organic groceries as I can, have started ear-acupuncture (with needles that stay in until they fall out- I am on day number 4 and on both ears, my weakest points were my ovaries), and have undergone homeopathic treatment to strengthen my ovaries. More recently, I have added self-massage with oil, alternate-nostril breathing, Castor oil packs on my abdomen, and EFT- tapping along the meridians of my body and repeating a positive affirmation about this fertility journey.
Wow. All out in a list like that, I sound like I am a little off my rocker (and, I haven't even gone into my excursions into cloth...but that is a topic for another time).
As "crazy" as it may seem, all of these things are a positive reminder that although I have no control over what happens each cycle, I do have control over how I react.
I think the moral of the story here is- I feel good doing what I am doing now, and it is keeping me calmer (although I am not sure if Broom would agree 100% of the time- but she does her best to understand where I am coming from).
All in all, that can only be a good thing.
Now, for someone coming from a family of nurses and has a mother that in no way believes in homeopathic medicine and somehow always has a stash of meds for all ailments, it feels like unfamiliar territory. Sometimes, I am surprised how many steps I have taken, and am not sure how much further I will want to dive into a fully "crunchy" lifestyle. However, the biggest advantage about living more organically is that it can't hurt!
So far, I have started Biodanza (I am taking a break right now due to the financial strain of the fertility treatments), switched to full-fat, organic dairy, am buying as many organic groceries as I can, have started ear-acupuncture (with needles that stay in until they fall out- I am on day number 4 and on both ears, my weakest points were my ovaries), and have undergone homeopathic treatment to strengthen my ovaries. More recently, I have added self-massage with oil, alternate-nostril breathing, Castor oil packs on my abdomen, and EFT- tapping along the meridians of my body and repeating a positive affirmation about this fertility journey.
Wow. All out in a list like that, I sound like I am a little off my rocker (and, I haven't even gone into my excursions into cloth...but that is a topic for another time).
As "crazy" as it may seem, all of these things are a positive reminder that although I have no control over what happens each cycle, I do have control over how I react.
I think the moral of the story here is- I feel good doing what I am doing now, and it is keeping me calmer (although I am not sure if Broom would agree 100% of the time- but she does her best to understand where I am coming from).
All in all, that can only be a good thing.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Anger
There is something about women being angry in our current society that is unacceptable.
Well, suck it up!
I am angry. And that is OK. You will have to deal.with.it.
I am tired and absolutely fed up with being a second class citizen
in both countries that I could currently call home. Does my tax money
count less than that of a straight person? Is it somehow counted
differently to offset their distaste (either full-blown or subtle) for
my lifestyle? Do they not want a well-educated woman ready to procreate
producing another tax payer?Well, suck it up!
I am angry. And that is OK. You will have to deal.with.it.
PS: Germany, your letter will come later.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Trusting your instincts can be hard
I had my appointment on Wednesday, which was great because my boss was off and I didn't have to come up with an excuse about why I had to leave at noon. Got our normal Dr., which was ok, I guess.
He did say "Didn't you send me an email? We can go over your questions now." but then didn't go over any of the actual questions since he didn't have our "come to Jesus"/"we feel like cash cows, PLEASE look at my charts!" email open anyways. I told him I needed to talk to him with my wife present in any case, as they are OUR questions, not just mine.
After he asked me how I was doing- I said good- frustrated, but good. He then went on to tell me that since this is our 6th cycle (I figured there was no point in telling him that we don't count the 1st 2 due to my thyroid...since he is SO good at listening.) that if it doesn't work, that the next one should be IVF. I let him know that I would have to talk about it with my wife and that I needed a price overview (3x what we have been paying- without sperm! No surprise there!). I don't know how I feel about IVF. We would have to sit out like 3-4 cycles in order to afford it and on one hand, sure- I am tired of these lower success rates- but on the other hand, I don't feel ready. Maybe after 2 more tries, if it is needed. We will see what the next two weeks bring.
The insem itself was uneventful, although this time he did an ultrasound after the insem- without turning the screen towards me, so I had to strain to see. I had a perfect 17mm follicle, so BOOYAH! I asked to stay tilted in the chair, and he let me stay seated for a bit (but not tilted) so I just put an instead cup in and got dressed.
Still not 100% sure when I ovulated (if it was Wednesday or Thursday), since my temperature went up some on Friday, but not a lot. I had fertile CM for almost a week and + OPKs on Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by negatives, so it wasn't exactly easy to read.
In summary, I feel good, but as always, there is no way of telling. Enjoying the long Easter weekend and the fact that we didn't have to sit out this cycle while trying to keep my hope at a healthy level.
Happy Saturday, everyone!
He did say "Didn't you send me an email? We can go over your questions now." but then didn't go over any of the actual questions since he didn't have our "come to Jesus"/"we feel like cash cows, PLEASE look at my charts!" email open anyways. I told him I needed to talk to him with my wife present in any case, as they are OUR questions, not just mine.
After he asked me how I was doing- I said good- frustrated, but good. He then went on to tell me that since this is our 6th cycle (I figured there was no point in telling him that we don't count the 1st 2 due to my thyroid...since he is SO good at listening.) that if it doesn't work, that the next one should be IVF. I let him know that I would have to talk about it with my wife and that I needed a price overview (3x what we have been paying- without sperm! No surprise there!). I don't know how I feel about IVF. We would have to sit out like 3-4 cycles in order to afford it and on one hand, sure- I am tired of these lower success rates- but on the other hand, I don't feel ready. Maybe after 2 more tries, if it is needed. We will see what the next two weeks bring.
The insem itself was uneventful, although this time he did an ultrasound after the insem- without turning the screen towards me, so I had to strain to see. I had a perfect 17mm follicle, so BOOYAH! I asked to stay tilted in the chair, and he let me stay seated for a bit (but not tilted) so I just put an instead cup in and got dressed.
Still not 100% sure when I ovulated (if it was Wednesday or Thursday), since my temperature went up some on Friday, but not a lot. I had fertile CM for almost a week and + OPKs on Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by negatives, so it wasn't exactly easy to read.
In summary, I feel good, but as always, there is no way of telling. Enjoying the long Easter weekend and the fact that we didn't have to sit out this cycle while trying to keep my hope at a healthy level.
Happy Saturday, everyone!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I think my vagina is finally sending me an "email"
In jest, I have often told Broom that this whole process would be MUCH easier if my vagina would just email me or even send me a meeting invite to let me know when would be a good time for the sperm to make their appearance. You know, then I don't have to hide OPKs (used and unused) under my bra strap or in my knee-high boots on my way to and from the bathroom before trying to move around my crap at my desk so that I can lay it flat (but hidden) to read later- all without my boss, who sits in the same room, noticing. So far, she probably only thinks that I have odd bathroom practices, but maybe she doesn't suspect a thing.
Despite the fact that the fact that my vagina cannot, in fact, send emails, I woke up this morning to the 3rd day in a row of fertile CM (probably TMI, but it was hard to miss this morning and it was more than ever) and then got a +OPK at 10am today (the 3 before and after were negative). So, I figure that's the closest I am going to get to an email and it is a clear message. As long as my body isn't just practicing gearing up, this timing is as good as any- and it isn't any worse than how the doctors determine when I should show up. As a result, Broom and I made the decision that I will just go for an insem tomorrow and even convinced the clinic to give me an appointment. Basically, we are letting me listen to my signs and are hoping that it just feels early in my cycle due to the progesterone I took last cycle.
Turns out my "Easter egg" won't be wasted, after all, and we will have 1 last chance at a 2013 baby. I have no idea what our chances will be or even if our timing is even close to right.
Only time will tell (and because I am going to be a great mom, now I am thinking that getting drunk with Broom and my MIL last night might not have been the best call, but at least I am relaxed, amirite?).
Keep your fingers crossed, people of the interwebs- this could be a fucking huge week, especially when it comes to my home country giving us the possibility of being able to live in the US.
Despite the fact that the fact that my vagina cannot, in fact, send emails, I woke up this morning to the 3rd day in a row of fertile CM (probably TMI, but it was hard to miss this morning and it was more than ever) and then got a +OPK at 10am today (the 3 before and after were negative). So, I figure that's the closest I am going to get to an email and it is a clear message. As long as my body isn't just practicing gearing up, this timing is as good as any- and it isn't any worse than how the doctors determine when I should show up. As a result, Broom and I made the decision that I will just go for an insem tomorrow and even convinced the clinic to give me an appointment. Basically, we are letting me listen to my signs and are hoping that it just feels early in my cycle due to the progesterone I took last cycle.
Turns out my "Easter egg" won't be wasted, after all, and we will have 1 last chance at a 2013 baby. I have no idea what our chances will be or even if our timing is even close to right.
Only time will tell (and because I am going to be a great mom, now I am thinking that getting drunk with Broom and my MIL last night might not have been the best call, but at least I am relaxed, amirite?).
Keep your fingers crossed, people of the interwebs- this could be a fucking huge week, especially when it comes to my home country giving us the possibility of being able to live in the US.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Frustrations
Our weekend away was glorious! The drive there was a little complicated due to some Windows-screensaver-like scattered snow showers, but it was sooo worth it! Luckily, everything was like it was described on the website, and we were welcomed on to a small farm owned by two lovely women and a warm fireplace in a cozy room- right above the horse stalls (it was extremely well insulated, and you could barely hear, let alone smell the horses in the apartment we were in). We were able to spend time with their animals, ride horses, and explore the nearby villiages. Although it was cold, we were able to get a fair amount of fresh air in before not being able to feel our extremities. Lots of cooking, napping, and relaxing in front of the fire was had.
This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.
Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.
Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.
So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.
I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."
This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.
Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.
Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.
So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.
I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."
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